~The Truth About Mental Illness~How can you tell if you have it~

I recently wrote about truth and forgiveness, upon waking after a decent sleep I awoke inspired to write a few more bipolar thoughts. So after a bit of prayer, and thanksgiving I felt the need to expound upon other issues considered taboo, subjects of a certain nature, issues we skirt around that are easily ignored by some of the very people who are afflicted with this virus of the mind we call mental illness.

See often time’s conflict or malice, jealousy; hate can be just like mental illness… Grudges held, harbored with indifference, tormenting the mind, much like the virus we call mental illness.

Think of a computer being the mind, and often times our computers have a virus, which eats away at the data, causing the computer to run slowly maybe even shut down, in any case a virus sucks. No amount of defragmentation will remove the corrupt virus. Instead it needs a full diagnostic repair, a definitive diagnosis to best find the course of treatment.

However unlike our computers that we can easily replace the mind unfortunately cannot.

A virus whether it is of the physical, mental, or emotional kind, can often occur simultaneously. You know the kind where your sitting on a toilet diarrhea coming out one end, vomit out the other.

In my recent exchange on topics uncomfortable to discuss the subject of mental illness came up. I’ve had the opportunity since becoming a member of Quora/Wordpress community to be a spokesperson of sorts. You know the one, or in my case the go to Gal if a question you may want information on with regard to mental illness needs answering in a more discrete way, because like I stated above its a skirt around issue laden with stigma, shame and even remorse. I understand, its cool, you’re not ready to go to public or speak out yet about this virus of the mind. In fact I feel honored that others feel I am approachable with such sensitive issues of the mind.

I’ve exchanged some great and touching views, ideas, personal feelings on the topic of mental illness both in the question forums, and mostly via private messages.

I’ve strived to bring light to what I call “the forgotten subject” or plainly stated the ignored area of existence that each and every one of us encounter whether it be your personal illness, a spouse, relative or a friend or an undiagnosed one of your own.

Before I learned to fully embrace the diagnosis I received, I was among the majority of “those people” Who prefer to ignore, belittle, or just firmly state the phrase “it’s all in your head, snap out of it” and truly it is “all in our head, your head, my head’……..

Now hold on a minute, in no way am I saying you’re mentally ill necessarily.

No, I’m merely offering up dialogue to paint the picture in your mind of the message, my plight about a subject near and dear to me, one that has affected me personally due to both parents and their parents having some form of mental illness and my present diagnosis.

It’

Not For Reproduction~

 

 

~Bipolar Self Check & Cycles~

Being bipolar and knowing that patterns such as triggers and time frames, stress the very fact that we cycle is extremely important. History tends to repeat itself, many things repeat themselves, bipolar individuals happen to skid into this surreal area a little too often.

Wanna know something else all the meds in this world can’t  stop what I just mentioned. Lifestyle combined with a medicinal regiment can avert most travesty. But medicine alone can’t. I know. I’ve gone manic, in fact bonkers and was still on my meds. Was I fun, uh not really….well maybe for a bit, but only to myself.

Know something else,the company you keep, the person you may love can be the very trigger that spirals you off balance.

So the question I ask myself and you, are you gaining you right now? That’s right, are you gaining YOU? Or losing pieces here and there before you know it you’re everywhere, all the while thinking you’re put together or at least coming off that way. Hiding that Bipolar cloak and dagger in our pockets ready to pull that pocket inside out and release all that debris and shreds of crap at the bottom. You know the shit you feel in the empty pocket….looks like dust bunnies living there. Those dust bunnies are you, that debris is you and and all that pent up crap.

Are or you the cloth that the pocket is concealed in? Looking all sheik and stylish, but inside crying out with no voice? interesting how its this way or that and this goes for everyone bye the way, not just us bipolar people. People out there, you can learn a lot from those like me willing to share my life, thoughts, feelings, and you don’t have to have bipolar to gain insight either, this is a one size fits all kinda stuff that human beings go through. Just we may handle it a bit different.

I’m writing this for myself, for all those reading this, it’s self check time.

What is healthy? It’s having all YOUR needs met. Is this happening right now? Are do you feel short changed? I feel a bit short changed to tell you the truth. Hey, I am being honest.

Are you happy? Are or you up and down all the F’n way around and it’s due partially to the company you keep? Yeah I mean face it we all are a bit F’d up in our own way, but do we need more of it from others at specific turning points of our life? Crossroads….they are everywhere by the way, and just a reminder…uh.. they can happen any day.

Should you be alone? Yes! Sometimes being alone before polluted thinking takes over you, helps you to clearly see what you couldn’t before and remove yourself from any given situation whether it be love, business, friendships, or just being social at this time.

But living in this world you must take care of you first. You have nothing to give out to others no love or kindness if you don’t love yourself and are not genuinely kind to you.

The road ahead may be a bit stressful but if diplomatically approached you can ease through most anything bipolar or not.

These are my Bipolar Thoughts at this time, hope you got something out of it.

It’ my story, I’m sticking to it. What’s yours?

NJM~

~But That’s Not Humanly Possible..or is It?~

Often we are faced with the question above, possibilities and outcomes of certain questionable task, projects, and subjects we call life presents us with all sorts of opportunities to test the limits of possibilities. We at times feel it’s not humanly possible to accomplish such tasks.If you follow me, read my answers and post you have a pretty good idea of who I am, what my purpose is for writing about subjects I consider important issues of life. I believe we often share the side of us that will impact the opinions of others views in regard to how we are seen, and we all want that to be positive.Through the last 5 years due to my illness and situations I’ve decided that in order to bring about any change of view for the cause or purpose I believe in, I would need to be willing to share the good the bad and the ugly of what I am. I have done this at times with great apprehension. I have consulted my psychologist each time I unveil the layers that makes me who I am.Today mental illness and Autism deals with a type of racism. The difference however is we are in the birthing stages of this topic where scarcely people such as myself are just beginning to speak openly about this subject matter. It’s only been in the spotlight recently, unlike color racism or gender racism which we have faced for years and years. You can only talk about or place judgment upon subjects such as these for so long before it’s “like throwing pearls to swine” Mathew 7:6(oh crap she used a quote from Jesus)One extremely important purpose in my life is my son. If you read my post and follow me, you will notice I make mention of him often, but not in depth.Sadly through most of my life I often stated that I would never have kids. I didn’t want something to tie me down. I loved the ability to come and go as I please. I hated this world, its strange rules and lack of fairness. Until my fathers passing I really never gave solid thought about being a parent. So it came as a huge surprise when two weeks after my Dad had passed on to find out I was pregnant. I had only been intimate one time in the previous 8 weeks.

Nine months later my beautiful boy came along. I named him after my Dad. The first time I held him I was so tired from the C-section delivery. When he was placed in my arms tremendous fear and love washed over me. The weight of truth settled into my mind of what I had been entrusted with. The task at hand with regard to raising my son was daunting. I had never had a two-parent household as a child nor aunts, uncles, grand parents that even acknowledged me, seems I was a subject of controversy the minute I manifested here on planet earth, I knew rejection and desperately wanted to give my son the choices and opportunities and experiences I had not been afforded. I made the decision to pair up with my ex husband to try and effectively raise my son together. I left the biological father during my pregnancy for several reasons.

Before I go further into depth of the subject I am going to delve into a bit of insight about my son. First here is a recent photo of him. Beautiful right?

He is the single greatest event of my life. Often He teaches me more things than I teach him. For instance we could be in the ugliest torn down environment possible and he will be the first to find the positive aspects about things that often escape you or I . He is brave, not only does he live with the label in regard to ethnicity or race, but he has Asperger’s which to me only makes his quality of thoughts and expression utterly amazing and endearing, Then let’s throw in his type 1 diabetes, Five times a day he must draw blood to monitor his blood glucose levels. He wears an insulin pump, which requires a canula similar to what you would know as an IV one would wear in the hospital, attached to his body at all times. My son has been this way since he was 18 months old. He spent a week in intensive care when the diagnosis occured I called into work one day because I could see he had labored breathing, and was urinating to much, he was almost in complete diabetic shock, thank God I noticed this, because had I left him with the sitter and ignored the strange symptoms of which no one had ever spoken of to me about he most likely would be dead today. See doctors will tell you that as long as your child has a wet diaper during illness that means they are hydrated. He had been throwing up, but his diaper was wet. Little did I know he was urinating his body away.

What diabetes has taught me is to be sure while raising my son to not let his illness or disability take the front seat. To not make a big deal or draw attention to things that makes him or you different from others. Teaching him this principle goes a long long way in how he has come to perceive the world around him. My son displays true courage, he is an example for us, for me, for you.

I have shared with you the above thoughts to paint the picture of where I am heading in this post. Most importantly this post is for my son, he is my reason and purpose to trying to pave a new way of  life for him and all children. So with that I am going to begin to expound upon my view of racism and my suggestions of how we must view such subjects going forward, these suggestions are of extreme importance to consider if we want to build a safe and accepting world for those who have children with disabilities as well as for those who do not, and for those who may one day become a parent. The following paragraphs may have slight to moderate sarcasm. But it’s done so with what I would call dark humor. Let’s begin shall we.

I was unfollowed by the person I had a heated exchange with..OMG…:) then by the same person blocked (gasps) I do declare, then de-friended on Facebook meh, but then I also received a text message from said person letting me know further beyond their actions thus far, that we were DONE.  Now I don’t know about you, but my view of this shows the level of  immaturity I’m dealing with here in regard to a recent exchange on this subject at hand. I may not always share your view, but I’m following you for a reason … Perhaps it’s for the purpose of “keeping it real” perhaps I  admire  you or your writing style… Either way my following you is with purpose. Even though I may disagree with some of your views.

Often times I go down the list of my followers to their profile to see their activity and then check out their recent answers, I learned this style from Xu Beixi she has taught me so much being here~She is simply Amazing~ sorry I tagged you, I try to steer clear of tagging to much, I view it as grab assing(incase your not familiar with the term grab assing it’s slang for bull shit) But in this case I am allowing it in this post. So I happened upon someone who had their recent activity as an upvote on a post with the very person I had the ugly exchange. To be clear aboutexchange it’s an occurrence of giving one thing and receiving another.

I read the post and realized it was about the exchange I had recently in regard to racism, I was surprised that it received any attention because within the post lots of judging came up. Here is a direct quote I found in the comment section from the person in regard to my grammar usage That’s  funny she  frequently misspells and uses incorrect grammar and communication so she further underlines her own ignorance~ Being petty and using gender to make points I mention gender because I leave the words such as He/She out of my post on purpose for several reasons. But attacking another’s grammar is a judgment and racist remark against my education or lack thereof. Anytime someone wears the title of Judgment in regard to things such as this subject nature I’m writing about, all the way down to belittling someone due auto correct because I happen to be on my phone … In my opinion is hitting way way below the belt. Further more Brining up my race then getting pissed of if  I try to explain why race is not relevant for change to occur and still they are bringing up my sons race or lack thereof or words such a cognition (which in my opinion they clearly lacked) is deplorable and sounds to me like that person may have a chip or ten on their shoulder. Although I can see how this person would state these judgments being as they feel repressed.

To proceed with the point of my post, although points are indeed lost most always nonetheless, I’m going to give it a try once again with a bit more finesse… Here we go…Racism.. That word just stirs up the pot, doesn’t it. Racism does indeed stretch beyond the boundaries of its humble origins. It covers a whole lot of issues we encounter each and everyday. Originally used to describe those who have inferior or indifferent feelings about black human beings.

Today it is an umbrella word. I believe It’s a word that can cover various subjects in regard to prejudice or discrimination, as well as stereotyping. It’s also alive in ones self with regard to repression one may feel, thinking that the world at large is interacting in some way with them, instead of how THEY INTERACT with the world.

The sad thing is that in many ways racism is still here. Often times when we as a race think we have made strides in the right direction against racism the evil entity that is racism pops it’s ugly head out yet again proving It lives and lingers in every group, town, city, states and country, festering in the hearts of humans. One would think that after discussing a topic for the better half of the twentieth century yet lingering and bleeding into the twenty first century that all these discussions have yield is more chaos and confusion but not a single speech or death of those making the speech has really made much leeway. We elect Obama into the white house and that sadly became a subject of racism as well. True change occurs through example and experience.

You would think that for the past 60 years (estimated) we have made the biggest steps in the right direction or so it would seem. Then something like the Trayvon Martin event comes and reminds us that it’s still alive and well, even though we have talked about this issue for years and years… Years. Not much has changed. Sadly All the Trayvon Martins or Token black folk or speeches have yet to change it… Hmmm insane right?
Call my statements above a Red Herring, Post Hoc, Straw man whatever makes you feel better. See I was told that brining up Trayvon was a Red Herring.

In any issue we face, whether be it personal, or issues at large if an approach that has not previously worked for over 60 years and is still being used, yet yielding results that truly make “no difference” then it’s time for new tactics, a new strategy an approach if you will.

When the same tactic that has been used to try and stomp out issues such as race, or issue’s about oneself in relation to racism it’s s called insanity.

It’s insane to think that pointing out differences such as race, or better yet thinking you are a spokes person for such things as race is going to brake the cycle …..that cycle that yet continues, damn that cycle.

If I felt that bringing up such topics was a good approach, I surely had every reason to talk about such being the mother of a child that is mixed in origin, multiracial I like to say. But as you will soon find out as you read further that according to the other person I had the heated exchange with that I wouldn’t know nothing being a white women and all, with a mixed child.

Today after thinking about all that has transpired due to the subject being brought up in the forum, I now feel the need to lend a voice to educate the subject of race. I would like to offer a few suggestions on this worn out subject.

I feel this way because of my son who is mostly black. Why would I say mostly black you ask? Well a person recently told me(Notice I don’t use gender at all in my reference I merely leave the common ground we share together, being we are people/person, and you cannot tell about that person’s gender because I use certain principles when trying to make a point) Any way this person Whom I thought was a friend, who happened to be a black person of a certain demographic said and I quote “I had no place to feel how I do since I was a white women” my my my… Hmmm ..there it is again pointing out difference that ugly race/gender difference card (I say women because you can clearly see I’m the women writing this) but better still in regard to my ideas is that I am a PERSON, a living, breathing, walking, person, just like you. Wow who would’ve known?

This is what I teach as a principle to my son, took look past differences and instead see each other as the human beings we are, funny thing is subsequently my son teaches me daily about things of the heart, about love, acceptance, and how not to notice obvious differences, but instead look for the common element we all share. I would not be bringing up race in regard to my son who is black, (only pointing out racial aspects since this seems to be the ongoing theme) and since I’m Creole, that makes him a bit more than half black. But most importantly it also makes him a human being, same as me, you the person next to you, your neighbor.

To bad that person didn’t look a bit closer in regard to labels. Creole people are a mixture of Spanish, French, and Black ethnicity. To bad that person couldn’t just see me as the person, the human I am, but instead a white women no less. That this person couldn’t see that making race an issue in my opinion in subtle ways makes that person…… Well sorry to say it but racistBut you see that’s my view, however I’m here to say that beyond the realm of Quora my view is greatly shared.

I feel that in order to represent all gender and race my first suggestion on that subject is change the word man and replace the word with  human hence man kind changes to human kind if somehow that stance was a view shared commonly among humans long long ago, Tremendous amount of conflict including slavery would have NEVER existed! But unfortunately that approach was not implemented. Instead we try and ostracize those different from us.

Remember the one commonality we all share, which is being human. Human being, that’s what we are. Hey look I’m thinking surely the person who coined the term “human race” had that principle in mind when doing so, they freely looked upon the element we share, which is we are human first. As long as I’m the mother representing my child of a mixed origin, I definitely feel my view upon such is of extreme relevance.

What can you and I do in your little area of the world to change the view of others you find different or indifferent than yourself you ask?  Simple, apply the principle I teach my son who as stated previously also teaches me and I am still trying to apply in my life and plant the seeds in yours, don’t point out our differences in terms of race pointing out difference on any subjects of this nature simply must cease in order for change. In order to come together we must find a common ground, which has eluded us at this point. Look in the mirror staring back is the reflection of you, and me

But then again what would I know, being white women and all, with a mixed child. I wouldn’t know a thing right?

Personally I think where we are headed in terms of race is what we see happening before our eyes. People are mixing together in union, interracial unions are making up more and more interracial children until one day race in regard to racism will cease, want to know why? Because at that point we will all be one racethen we can’t point fingers when we are mostly all alike, we are indeed one race that is the human race although its not fully recognized. If we continue down the path I clearly see, the trend of humanity is leading us naturally in the direction of one mixed race, which is represented nicely by children such as my son, and myself.

I am going to share something the person who I had this disagreement with so beautifully and aptly put an analogy in my mind when we spoke of better subjects That is “you can’t make change looking in the rear view mirror, only by looking through the windshield” I like this quote It works lest we all fall further into ignorance and continue to look behind us, instead of in front of us.

I would also like to add that should you feel repression about subjects of race, it is the repression YOU ALLOW yourself to feel, you allow yourself to THINK is real. Truly it is real, that is for you its real, not for all of us, certainly not for my son or me at least not with regard in discussion such as these, we prefer to set examples.

So please remember the common element we all share being human.. Human being… That is of course unless you’re an Alien. Then by all means should you be an Alien, that is in ” Alien from outer space” surely then we should sit down… If you can sit, and explore the difference of our existence, being that here on earth we are humans.

But if you’ve traveled light years away to visit us, I would be delighted to sit or stand and exchange the obvious difference we don’t share. Instead of the commonality we all share.

Going forward with regard to this festering subject at hand, I’ll be speaking loudly about my views to try facilitate change needed so my son and the future of our children. So this world will be better than the present conditions we currently still exist in. I’ll try to work on my delivery of such festering topics.

However should you continue to disagree with me, I believe Robert A Heinlein had the right idea in mind when he said “A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, guide a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.”

Oh one more thing if your going to represent me as part of the Felidae species I believe the Leopard would be best considering the many colors of their fur and the fact that teeth and claws would show for sure when protecting her cubs. I believe Scar who was Simba’s evil uncle in my opinion was best represented by the person with whom I exchanged harsh views and blocked me.

Not For Reproduction.

 

 

~The Hardest Part Of Living With Mental Illness~

~The loss. Somewhere inside, you lose yourself. You can recall some images of what you thought you were. But parts of you, or at least to me it was, like losing me… Shattered all over the place… Gathering the pieces of me. And not being very effective at gathering the pieces, some lost forever.
 
Which brings the next point “doubt”.
Doubting that you are ill, not accepting an illness that does not have a cure yet. Not wanting the label, the stigma.
 
Stigma, exist even today if you open about mental illness to others, people begin to judge you, question your ability to fit neatly into a category that they’ve never experienced first hand. Humans like labels, and they like consistency. Mental illness is hardly ever consistent, and mostly unpredictable.
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Further more some can see easily in others what they quickly dismiss in themselves. Sometimes it is them, and they’re living in the denial, and unless treated, and accepted, those very people who continue to deny they have a mental illness usually wind up dead. Why? Because anyone that has terminal illness will experience repercussions if not treated properly and in a timely fashion.
 
If you have cancer and you don’t go to chemo, and don’t do what you’ve been told, you will eventually die sooner than you would had you’d followed a treatment plan.
 
Diabetes, I tell my son almost weekly that like him being dependent upon insulin, that mommy too is dependent upon certain lifestyles changes and medication to keep my illness managed, just as he needs to check his blood sugar and take insulin to manage his illness. So it is with Mom. There it is again, that word” Loss “of freedom to live without medicine. To have to be dependant upon medicine in order to live effectively and to the best of our ability is binding to say the least.
 
Then there is the isolation that comes with the illness, at least for me it did. All of the crazy things I have done while manic have broken ties with people I once considered friends, are now gone forever. But had proper truths been applied in society and the medical profession at large would have educated society, then perhaps the ignorance of my supposed friends on the subject today, may still have been around. All though I feel it very unlikely, that the outcome would be much different. We were already growing apart. The illness only escalated it. Yet again “Loss”
 
 
 Lack of information and education is rarely used in the right way to inform. Truth is society’s no closer to unveiling how the medicine we (society) do take for mental illness works, society still continually sees it as weakness instead of the terminal illness it is.
 
Then there is a two edged sword due to the label or category for those who are deemed bipolar. Bipolar individuals (at least in my experience) tend to have a marine forecast in place. Some times we’re sunny and the ocean is calm fishing conditions optimal, sometimes rip currents, sometime high tides, then low tides, choppy conditions, rainy and worse even is hurricanes. That’s the easiest way to explain the way bipolar people feel, how quickly we can escalate if we are not treating our illness with the care and respect it demands of us. Then there are moments that anxiety clenches my chest and I get over whelmed with self doubt a gripping fear that my “mind” might let me down. Trust me, it’s a feeling I hope you never have to have. The ability to not trust oneself is an extreme loss.
 
All because of loss, the challenge I face now is turning my loss into the advantage and always press on. Because if there is nothing more to consider or believe. I believe in restoring…….. that which was lost can be restored.