~What Does It Feel Like To Have Bipolar Disorder~

What does it feel like?
Like any illness in general it sucks.
Why? There is no cure.

When I first received my diagnosis I stayed in denial for about 2 years.
I mean who wants that stigma right?
Both my parents suffered enough with the illness, so early on I swore “not me” “I’m not gonna get it
Majored in Psychology to gain a better understanding , while earning my degree , I had my first bout. It was after finishing statistics in psychology.

I’ve been up and down all my life. Looking back I most likely lived with it for the better half of my life. The traits that others found endearing, such as boundless energy, the life of the party, ideas that were radical, spontaneous, whimsical, rhyming, the abuse of drugs, Was all cool and fun.

As I got older those traits turned from endearing to dark, and bold, and brutal.
Believing yourself to be a superhuman of sorts is not realistic. But I did believe this. I also believed many other non truths while in mania.

The low, the depression, it was real bad. So much so that suicide was a close friend of mine that I romanced often. Attempted twice. Hospitalized against my will because of it. Even wrote a large essay about suicide and how it is actually courageous and in no way selfish. I rationalized this by turning the selfish element on to those who would miss me, as being the selfish ones. And truly I still see it that way.
The only reason anyone wants you around them, although some may claim love, it’s that they need you, they want you. In that alone arises their selfish desire of needing you to stay here. I realize that this is a polluted thought , but it rings true to me.

Bi polar disorder skews reality, it blurs the lines, and we don’t always use nor have the same filter as those not afflicted with this disease of the mind.

But I always remind those who will listen that some of the greatest minds were afflicted with this disorder this disease.
Here is a link to see for yourself the list of many famous minds:

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/L…
In short it’s a slippery slope, full of wonderment,  energy, lows, depression, delusional thoughts. Sometime more creative, other times completely destructive. That’s what it’s like.

~The Struggle~

It’s always some struggle, because there is always some fight.
It’s always a struggle in the day and at night.

Egos at play
Words you can’t say
It makes it easy for our hearts to stray.

I place upon you,
You place upon me
We can never seem to just let it be.

Twisting and turning convoluted
In fashion.
Lacking control and abandoned compassion.

Brutal in truth
Standing your ground
Ominous atmosphere
Thick all around.

Minds that refrain
Lives in constant pain
Lives in the struggle
The never ending strain.

Pitiful characters are what comes to mind.
Knowing the struggle they constantly find.

Not For Reproduction~

~Immortalized~Legends~

I am the painter of my life

But the sculptor has the say

The one that reminds me

Each and everyday~

Pray….. know that your words are you, as I am the word too

As are you.

Want to live forever my child

Want to be free again…..wings again run wild?

You will move on from this ethereal area…

This realm of this world 🌎

Dimensions vast but the one thing on this Earth that will last

Immortalize you your bloodline

WORDS write put in plain sight

Take your words paint your life

Let me mold you, refine with fire 🔥

A love so real, that burning desire

Deep in your belly with steel down your back …….your a wild young hybrid full of these words, you spin and you weave……

But dear Angel your words live forever long after you leave

Immortal~

~Finally~Legends can be Made~tweet tweet~lol~

Every Penny Every Dime Every Nickel My Angel’s left behind to remind me…… ~In God We Trust~

So without further Ado ……………. my recent tweet~

2 separate cases but will go full circle~

First a big shout out to #God then to both my Attorneys #LarryCartelli and #Craig…no last name to the public on him..he represents in a level as Larry. As I pledged to my father in heaven, as well as my father on earth before he died, my Moncada bloodline will never want again~

Typo’s fixed…Totally revised~I Want….You~ yeah You…

I want short distance to close love,spontaneous outburst of affection not planned touches or moments..fast reflex and stealth like a cat, like me~ Flexibility both internally and externally (you will need it) truth always truth, I hate lies…crazy mad love that somehow makes sense, the kind legend s are made of (smile):))…level headed? Plz love is crazy beautiful wild free, no level headed well thought,it will be, Everything is Fine…I ask the Lord for Devine reward… oh yeah I want thunder under sheets flesh storms that make the sheets fall to the floor both needing more…Devine strength well mastered,Change it’s time for change and it’s coming as long as it reveals beauty and it will….to stop crying and laugh more, I want long walks along the beach from our beach home.$$$$Money lots of it…to share, invest, grow it, leave financial burdens behind forever, I want to be kind even when others are careless with words and emotional harm, learn to not take it personal, it’s really about them not me.

I want to see what God wants for me, I want to align with God’s will and plans, I want to stand straight and strong next to my future companion/Husband learn to still be humble but I can still feel pride inside,help me God to not hate and make me good God make me good~

Njm

~I want….You~

I want short distance to close love, spontaneous outburst of affection not planned touches or moments, fast reflex amazing flexibility both internally and externally, truth always, no lies, crazy mad love.. the kind that legends are made of,not level headed well thought,yet always coming out right, tThunder I want Storms of flesh under sheets, I want Devine reward for a strength well mastered, I want change as long as it reveals beauty, to cry less, laugh more, long walks, rainbows 🌈 I want money lots of money just to share and not to care leaving all burdens behind, I want to be kind, even when someone has been careless with words and emotional harm, I want to see it my way, I want my way to align with what my God has planned. I want to be strong stand straight learn my best to not hate.