~Stigma~ 

Smeared dullness

Catatonic stare

That’s what they think

Washed out color

Long halls painted grey

Not a door insight

Ideas out of focus

Stifling, confusing

Lack luster,  incredulous

emotions …….Clawing away the life fingers scraping their nails jagged and bloody, threads unravelling.. like the sound of a chalk board being scratched.

That’s what stigma, bias does isolates you.

Yet I exist Wrapped inside this cocoon~

Generic and uncategorized yet longing to be labeled and in a category ~ oh wait, I am… I fall under stigma mental illness under my skin, unseen yet relentless in my mind there are millions of my kind.

One size fits all as long as that size is extra large as to swallow my frame,as well as yours.

Swallowing my existence whole~

Preferably invisible~

Left unseen~

To myself~

Designated ~

As is~NJM

~I Will Be the One~NJM~

I will be the one in the corner

Trying to not be seen

I will be the one speaking

Yet not being heard

I will be the one smiling

Yet hiding my true feelings.

I will be the one loving

Yet without understanding

I will be the one keeping my distance

Yet fearful of disconnection

I will be the one searching

Yet never to be found

I will be the one understanding

Yet never understood

I will be forever dreaming, forever hoping, praying

Yet judging it all

I will be the one fighting my cause

Yet struggling to maintain

I will be the one to determine

Yet what I will be~

NJM~

~Preemptive~revised~

Preemptive I suppose

I leave first

You silver tongue devil

You had me almost

But all of my life I stood by

With hope learning to cope

No more

Preemptive I am

Strike you down

Out of my sight

Purged from my mind

You can come to look

You will not find

Preemptive in love

Just as in war

I am a missile

I reach out so far

I’ll tear down your defenses

I close in on you all around

Slash your heart first

Never again it’s now

A curse

Laid upon me long ago

A trust can be broken only so many times

Am I confused unable to see

I breed in you and you breed in me

And we also bleed too!

Your deceit

Is a pool of my blood around your feet

My blood, my scars

No one can never cross far over my lines

Drawn in a particular way

So when I am done

I have the say

Preemptive

I can’t even make it a month

Thinking of what could be us

I see to much fault

You are not what I thought

Characteristics you portray

Soon fade away

So I jump out

Leaving you quickly

I can’t conceive

Why you can’t perceive

That I am no longer shackled

By love or sex

Well I’d like to think

Mortal coil craves

I’m human

I have my days

I’m preemptive

You wonder how you let go the best

It’s not you

It’s not a test

So go on your way

Give it a rest

Wait what did I just say?

Preemptive dear Darlin dear

Now feel the fate as it draws near~

~Moods 101~A Must read, especially Bipolar sufferers~

Welcome to moods 101

Let’s hurry up, get this day done….

These stale corners of this life I live Days like these it’s hard to give… An inch, a mile,a simple smile. I lay in bed and mope awhile.
When emotions are sharp as a knife,And corners lose their curve,

It’s like a resounding screeching noise that sits on my last nerve.
These modes leave few to choose-The only way to try to win is instead to lose. Allowing the funk and muck to slosh all around, blocking out the environment and not allowing sound.
I will allow this feeling to slowly drain me dry, and somewhere in between each take I’ll stop to think and cry.
Then tomorrow like the miracle she always is, will unfold with moods anew… And all these crapy shitty moods will only be a few.

~Beautifully Unfinished~

Know that I shall not hang on

So why can’t I let go?

In my dreams when I’m with you

Somehow I forget to breath

You got me like a rag doll

Now I’m dancing on your string

And I keep trying

To figure out

Who you are to me

Maybe all that

We were meant to be

Is beautifully unfinished

Cause your’re the one

I can’t lose

You’re  the one

That I can’t win

Maybe all that we were meant to be was beautifully unfinished

~Never Settle~

Selling yourself short Going to lengths~

Settling~

for something less~

Find your value~

Know your worth~

Never sell yourself short~

Don’t sell out~

In the end

It’s you that will lose

Selling yourself short 

Giving…..

Settling 

With no return

What did you give?

What is your worth?

Do you sell yourself short?

Do you feel unworthy?

Are you unaware of yourself worth?

Yourself worth is your dreams, prayers, hopes, desires, goals that is what determines your self worth.
When accepting less than that you’re selling yourself short. You’re settling.
Suppose this happens to most of us at one time or another.
Standing your ground in what you believe is part of yourself worth.

Believing in yourself worth to the point that anything less than that which you desire, you will wait,

Knowing that by standing your ground in your belief……that what was designed and destined to be is going to come to pass.
However on the twist bipolar

Dark thought, perhaps this world is not to par with yourself worth, what of this then…..hmmm dark yet still thoughts to ponder.
Anyhow the point is clear….wait if you must strive for your goal and do not sell yourself short.
Never settle!

  ~Walking Away~With My Weirdness intact~

I’m weird

I’m not of this world  🌎

The ether

I’m ethereal

I have lost

To much

The touch

The energy

The love

The essence

The Friends ……as I walked away

I lost it all

Had bills to pay

I lost my son, he is not the boy he was

And now it would seem I must accept I have lost a love I’ll never understand ……. boy to man~

So remember me and I’ll remember you….. yes I know I bit off more than I can chew

I lost the will to continue on

So I’m walking away it’s time to move on

You and I both know

You broke me

Still yet I am here

I’m gonna walk away now gotta learn somehow

You know I know you are with him

Hard headed always was

I’ll see you again in this I’m sure

Remember from this point my intentions pure

But I’m waving goodbye to you
I’m walking away now in this I know

I have to go

Walking away

Catch you on another day, time, place, or another life

These wounds cut like a knife

Looking back once more

Wish you would talk to me once Again, before I close the exit door

As…………………….. I’m

……….walking away~