Politics of Mental Illness~

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Let’s establish a platform for what I’m about to address. Politics is a good place. Below is a general description of what politics mean.

Politics=

Activities associated with the governance of a country or other area, especially the debate or conflict among individuals or parties having or hoping to achieve power.

I work with others, I stand with others, I promote with others, I believe with others, I fight with others, I dream with other of a day where I no longer must address issue’s such as what I am about to do in this post. Notice all I do with others, notice that I’m part of the collective of “others” like myself.

I try very diligently to educate and facilitate the changes needed to break mental health stigma. You know…. let’s move outside a little more, let’s be inclusive and break all stigma right? Wrong.

Perhaps I’m a bit more skeptical these days. Perhaps it’s cause I’ve invested my time effort that has compelled me to write this.

A question if I may, to provoke a thought process. Can you tell who suffers mental illness by looking at them? In some cases you can, but in 85% you can not.

The 15% are those hospitalized. Or have apparent visual aspects of said mental illness publicly.

I’m gonna ask another question. Why do we suffer, and further why do we suffer alone? Why do we have to go into full explanation of a disability at all? Seen or not seen?

Because it’s the politics of this subject, the debate, the fact that most anyone who is seemingly normal outside yet will act upon psychopathic behavior, killing, raping….these people fall under mentally ill, obviously they are missing a piece of something, and in most cases it’s the mind.

It’s because crimes that are related in violence and killings also relates to mental illness. There, there is the elephant it’s out the closet.

So now what do we do? There is only one thing to do, fight for the right of individuality of each other and our illness. Educate inform. But DO NOT let others generalize you in the umbrella of fear, fear and ignorance.

Further I want expound that bipolar and Schizophrenia are feared most by the public than other illness.

Depression is something that connects us all at one point in our lives, in fact, it’s the only mental illness I know that can cancel out. Meaning, when tragedy strikes we withdraw and get depressed however it may leave and never manifest again until another event that invokes depression. I say cancels out, because EVERYONE has been depressed or BLUE.

Not everyone has bipolar…… I think. Sometimes I question that. We are all dual. Double edged. ANYONE can be pushed to limits they may have never imagined, and incur a break from reality.

So the next time you look at someone next to you and you feel all comfy and normal as do they because what they perceive around them visually seems well, remember nothing is truly ever as it seems.

And to expound further, it’s never the ones you would have guessed.

However if only fear and ignorance was replaced by understanding and a willingness to help end stigma end, the politics of the subject at hand would cease.

Further I have witnessed that the ones you fear, are usually the ones who help in the end, and the one you think helps is still feeling superior in their mind, that there normal. Ha.

Can you define normal? Is it the majority? Sorry you will never understand the entire magnitude of normal. It’s just not normal to politically do so, and that my dear reader is the politics of mental illness.

The True Difference Between a Choice and Decision~

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I would like to take my reader through the definitions that describe choice versus decision…..
What is the difference between a choice and decision? Have you ever really given it much thought?
I have Bipolar 1 and PTSD do I have a choice? No. Can I decide? What? Decide what? I can decide a lot but I don’t have a choice. Now watch how cunning and clever the human language can be.
Now let’s define the two okhere is the definition of decision=a conclusion or resolution reached after consideration.”I’ll make the decision on my own”=resolution, conclusion, settlement, commitment, resolve, determination 

esoluticonclusion, settlement, commitment, resolve, determination; choice, option, selection

“a number of factors led me to this decision”

verdict, finding, ruling, recommendation, judgment, pronouncement, adjudgment adjudication, arbitration;

sentence, decree, order, rule, injunction;

findings, results;

determination;

resolve;

 

“they’re delighted with the judge’s decision”
the action or process of deciding something or of resolving a question.”the information was used as the basis for decision”
a formal judgment.”last year’s Supreme Court decision”
the ability or tendency to make decisions quickly; decisiveness.
are Only some of the word used to describe the definition of decision.
Now let’s explore the definition of choice=an act of selecting or making a decision when faced with two or more possibilities.”the choice between good and evil” possibility, possible course of action; solution, answer, way out “you must trust me—you have no other choice” specially of food) of very good quality.”he picked some choice early plums” superior, first-class, first-rate, prime, premier, grade A, best, finest, excellent, select, quality, high-quality, top, top-quality, high-grade, of the first water, prize, special, exclusive, handpicked, carefully chosen, vintage, fine…… very fine ways to describe making the right choice as opposed to decisions
Then we have to remember options but thats for another time.
Funny how our human language has so many forms of saying basically the same thing. Yet two totally different ways in which we exercise each decision each choice.
I prefer the old fashion analogy “count the cost?” And “did you sell yourself short?” Both questions beg the for the same answer, but is it a decision or choice needed depending on perception and circumstances and situations.
Recently I contacted an old acquaintances who said “to make the right choice” But in light of our conversation and the topics at hand I believe that a decision would’ve been a better way……. a better suggestion to use in asking or stating the question… it was like both a statement and question at the same time kinda thing. But which is it? 
Can we get out of the damn cloudy grey areas all over the place especially in our communications with one another…. finding good true things in this world that lacks truth, love, kindness, and justice. Those only apply to some of us not all of us. After all not all of us are privileged and grew up in crystal white towers with stained glass temples as simple reminders of a sense of entitlement. Must be nice but I can only imagine as can most of the world population. 
I just know this I don’t have a choice in being PTSD and bipolar I can’t chose that! I could decide however to try everything to keep my illness healthy. See the difference I just proved? See you don’t always get a choice sometimes it’s only a decision…. so I’m gonna sit on this dock and make a decision to either get my ass up or just stay right fucking here. Sorry for the colorful language after all I’m supposed to be French being from Louisiana and having a Mother with the last name Bourgeois ( found out I don’t have any in me go figure however I have 5% Jew in me and a definite 50% Italian {my Dad was from Sicily}makes no sense why no French from Mom….guess she took that mystery to the grave too….. anyway I’m looking into that ) so that’s my excuse truly what is yours lol Thanks for listening.
Sent from my iPhone

How can you respond to someone who is acting bipolar to help them get out of their episode? I don’t even know what to call episode. Basically where they are abusive, negative and angry all the time.

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First of all how do you even know for sure that it is bipolar?

Everyone has different realities and perceptions.

The anger well did you let this person down in any way?

See anger comes from being let down. I know. When someone wrongs me I get very angry. I can rip them to threads if need be.

So there is no answer to this question that would constitute a useful suggestion.

If you don’t know what to call it?

Because there is nothing to call perhaps you may need to talk with someone yourself about this troubling situation.

I can tell you therapy and a support system with friend helps a bunch.

But yeah…..if you feel this strongly and don’t know what to call it I advise you to get Therapy as well. Good luck God bless

~Breaking Bad~One Hundred And One Days of Hell~Needs lots of Work on this for damn sure~

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I have thought over and over about the events that provoked my most recent manic episode.

It began on July 28 of 2018. Let me begin by saying that often extreme Manic episodes take time to build up to a Crescendo so to speak, to hit its high….. to hit the apex of insanity. Stress always is the catalyst, I hadn’t seen my son in months although I share custody. I was being parentally alienated, I was in a stressful relationship and I had to many people around me with drama,like mental vampires that suck all your peace and solitude away from your mind.

As I write this I realize that this may be too much to write too soon after these events occurred, events that should never occurred yet unfortunately did.

But I want to be brave and I don’t want what happened to me to happen to others, that is why I write this blog is to educate and share my personal experiences in hope that someone else can learn and understand bipolar disorder and posttraumatic stress disorder better. Read the links below this Is where 2 inmates died in less than a year in this jail because they don’t care and do what they want when they want. Why? They don’t listen nor care , See that’s another thing they won’t give you your meds either. I take benzodiazepines, you are not to stop abruptly or you could go into seizure and die. I know this happened to me once while baker acted I almost died because they wouldn’t give me my usual dose of benzodiazepine. Here is the article this only shows part of the negligence at Lake County jail

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.wftv.com/amp/news/9-investigates/lake-county-sheriffs-office-investigates-armor-correctional-following-inmates-death/760398047 and here is another story https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.orlandosentinel.com/news/lake/os-ne-lake-county-jail-inmate-suicide-20190122-story,amp.html

I lost a lot this last episode I even lost myself for a while. I should’ve been baker acted but instead I was taken to jail for 101 days of hell.

I was also tasered in the heart while seated in my vehicle by an officer who knows and is well aware of my condition…..my disability which is bipolar disorder and posttraumatic stress disorder and yet he treated me and my disability without regard. This cop has baker acted me before. The police report is full of lies all my stuff was stolen there were about 20 responders…. too many …. shit got all fucked up, and a lot of my expensive things are gone….. stolen. I even lost my car.

I can’t go into detail right now after a lot of thought, I also have attorneys they probably wouldn’t want me talk about my experience while they are investigating case numbers of complaints I was brave enough to report to a nurse who helped me.

I held onto that piece of paper with a single case number and the name of the officer who put me into a room alone with him present while I was directed to write all of the things that happened to me.

I remembering asking him after hours of writing “is that all I get is a piece of paper with just a case number no dates no nothing but a number and your name?” Seriously?” Yep.

I was called the quiet one in jail. I didn’t talk much and I never cried. Couldn’t I shut down. I had no emotion left. Most likely all the trauma. Upon release on November 5th still no emotions. Honestly I only started crying after I watched all of the show “Breaking Bad” I completely could relate to Jesse’s character at the end, he drives away, and Walter white (aka Eisenberg) is on the lab floor dying as the cops are coming. That was the last episode…..I could feel for the first time watching it as it ended Jesse did the most amazing job of hitting that steering wheel so hard crying and screaming from all he endured, I felt it in…..that moment and it all bled through and finally after 5 and half months I cried…… so hard.

One day maybe I’ll tell more. Till then you can fill in blanks or not.

Perhaps I should have called this Breaking Bad…. 101 days of hell..or

“Finally I Cried, I’m beginning to feel again. . Now maybe I can learn to write again I’m learning to live again slowly. Thanks for reading. Breaking Bad definitely…….

I will soon be writing about Delving into Hell~

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I had an experience this weekend I must share with those who THINK they are mentally ILL~cause I dove into hell as a test to see how bad mental health stigma is too alive and well. And what I have to say completely will blow your mind.

PS when delving into hell you must be very strong, brave, courageous, and victorious, and strong faith in your God, and be flawless in execution. Then and only then delve in…….notice what no one else notices as you will know what no 1 knows. So keep watching it’s coming soon~ and like they used to say long long ago when TV’s would go static and then broadcast…… this is a test at 2:00 am it would broadcast ….this is a test this is only a test of the emergency broadcast system….. when was the last time you heard that on tv and we weren’t in any type of disagreements among the USA….. now on high alert present day, you never hear that anymore. Now Think~ yep there you go….exactly!

~Beautiful Are We~CWL~

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Beautiful are we

Exhilarating no words needed for communicating

It’s just in our eyes no limits are set

Moments desires never forget~

Beautiful are we

As we lay intertwined

Sweat shimmering over our skin

Repeating the motions

Again and again

We climax reaching the apex

Strengthening this union sealing this

Bond~

Beautiful are we

Love affair written in stars~

We vigorously crave each

Other night after night~

Beautiful are we

Searched for years

Pushing all limits past all the fear… All those tears….. Gone~

Beautiful are we

Our hearts exchanged

Brings about change our minds rearranged

Some would say we’re deranged

Illness of ghosts that lives in our head

Often both romancing suicide wanting to be dead~

Beautiful are we

Hearts beat as one

This love affair has just begun~

Beautiful are we

Vulnerable yet strong as we walk the world together

No longer alone~

Beautiful are we

Bound by this enchantment released from our hell

Not having to convince

For we have nothing to sell~

Beautiful are we

Showing all our flaws standing face to face

Yet still allowing space this acceptance this grace~

Beautiful are we

Walking hand and hand not breaking our ties

To tell our truth not to speak lies~

Beautiful are we

Fragile we are in moments of truth

Allowing our Filth and doubt

To be exposed not giving a damn what others think

From a different well is where we drink our personal fountain never ending Enduring and deep~

Beautiful are we

As we gaze into our eyes

Seeing eternity beyond the heavens, stars…..the sky’s~

Beautiful are we

Magnificent not being conformed

Loving our difference magnetic charm~

Beautiful are we

Wouldn’t you agree?

To behold two souls finally set free~

Beautiful are we

Both crazy as can be

Illness of our mind

Finally finding each other one of our kind~

Beautiful are we

Lunatics in many ways

Mere mortals secretly covet

To live just one of ours days~

Beautiful are we

Daring tempting fate

Praying to my God the heavens to never separate~

Beautiful are you my love for not stealing my beauty

Beautiful are we

So beautiful~

IMG_0037

~Pillow fight~ Parents~

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His beautiful tactics always full of wonderment
Able to take my tears from falling
Able to remove my mind from crawling into corners of darkness
Pillow fight mom!
Smack upside the corner of my head
Pillows flying
Singing
Dancing
His laughter as it echoes
Throughout the house
Saying angelic words only heard in times of despair
Mom, why are you crying?
No baby don’t worry I’m just sad.
Just sad?
Pillow fight!
Singing
Dancing
Echoes from a past I’ll never recapture
Hopes of another time when I’ll be able to claim his fellowship as mine with me
Pillow fight
Singing
Dancing
His laughter as it echoes
Forever
Love you Mom
Love you too son….

Does someone who is bipolar know that they’re wrong when they are verbally abusive and threatening during a manic phase?

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Well, I’m speaking of my experience.
No and yes.

When manic, your sense of boundaries are skewed. The filter that most individuals use and have in place cease to exist.

In the manic phase, mania takes on many forms. Strong hostility, as well as a viscous tongue can arise if provoked even the slightest by someone who at one time or another failed me, these fails will indeed rise to the surface.

With that I’ve never been dishonest with my words but verbally abusive would fit. What I would say was often very true about what I felt about things they’ve done. But it was said very harshly, and with viscous intent. The message I conveyed was not false , but was said in such abrupt disregard that it would leave its scar.

Threatening. I only threatened when I was threatened. By that I mean because I’m bi polar, and may be within a confrontation , statements ” like you need to take your meds”or “no one will believe you cause you crazy ” will set me off, especially since those words are meant to make me feel less than, and with ignorance. Which at that point I will zone into all character flaws of the said individual I’m in conflict with and rip them to shreds, at which point I can leave them speechless.

In short I must be provoked in order to act in such ways. Granted I’m more sensitive when manic. So if the person is aware of my state. Then all could be avoided. It’s all in the care, in the handling.

Most of those whom I’ve done this too, had in most cases abandoned me when I may have needed them most. And when they needed me most I was there for them in their time of need.This is why I’ve burned a few bridges. But if they were unsupportive of me after my diagnosis then those bridges need not be crossed again.
These are my experiences , the only thing I felt bad for was how I said it. How I said it, and my intent behind it. But I was never sorry for speaking the truth.
Written 16 Dec, 2013. Asked to answer by Marcus Ford.

~ You Were~You Are~You Will~Son~

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You were written in my story before I was created

You were sent to bring the love that few often find

You came to teach me many things of which I am still learning

You have this quietness that takes secrecy to another level

You have laughter like no one else and it comes from deep within

Health issues have afflicted you yet you overcome

You have seen ugly that no one should see yet you chose to find the beauty

You create your own world that keeps you safe when safety seems far from reach

You stay silent and still when the moment calls for it

You have fear around you, but God did not give you the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind

You speak up and understand right from wrong and are not afraid to be the voice of reason when you feel brave enough, I understand and know you have been bullied I have been too

You are brave enough; you just don’t know it yet

You are torn in different directions, and I yearn to change this each waking day

You adapt quickly just as I did, life called us to be this way, you blend in when needed

You deserve better than you have received, not in regard to gifts but in regard to consistency and safety I intend to change that

You are confused because things don’t seem right at times yet it remains as it is

You possess the bloodline of a noble namesake and it is why I promised my Dad if I ever had a son, I would carry on his name in honor

You are honor; you are majestic beyond that which can be explained

You will come through this a tougher human a stronger man but with the measure of kindness that will be needed when it is called for

You are slow to speak, in fact you are a son of little words, but when you speak your words are beautiful and timely

You have relatives that share your blood yet they are cowards you are not like them you are not a coward

You are noble and above the superficial and this is what will save you in the end

You miss me, I miss you but this too shall pass

Until then I pray the only influence you have is of Devine origin, straight from God and Angels that encompass you, and as I instructed and did with you each day, I pray you remember each day to pray

You have great reward and favor blessed upon you

You are an angel and I am better because you came into my life

I will never let you go, I will allow God to help me yield, to lead my path

That path leads to you and each and every day I am one step closer

You are my son and I love you

~NJM~