Fine line between pleasure and Pain, Love and Hate, Life and Death, control Intent or pay the bill~NJM~
Category Archives: Pain
~Personal Quotes~Keeping It Real~
~You are but a drop of rain in the endless ocean of life, don’t sell yourself short, make some waves~NJM~
~Fragments of Life~ In Short Thoughts~NJM~
“Thoughts of situations that have happened or may never happen. Some are in poetic brief statements. Others short stories, scenarios, entertained thoughts of mine I hope you relate to in some abstract form. This is a different style of writing I am attempting, I hope to engage all. I believe these fragments are yet to be, or already live between you and me
He drew in the smoke…watching the smoke that was not contained in his lungs wave and twirl. Slowly the pain went away.
Riveting! the chill spread up her spine, hair stood up on the back of her neck, and goose bumps covered her body.
Pressure from your hand crashed down through the glass obliterating it into a mini explosion of ice shards that sliced right through skin… I felt your need of me of each breath, each time you pressed again and again. Then circuits burned and all boards went down without messages needed to convey system failed. Even our binary was off beat. Not one code understood. Alone without value. Yet we stayed.
Spilt time puddled upon the floor of existence like a glass of milk pooled on the kitchen table waiting… To be cleaned up.
“He was so sick of having to check his blood glucose, so sick of needles, the infusions sets, and the carb counting, he was sick of being so different.”
There is a vessel of emptiness waiting to be filled by a presence so extraordinary that to contain it is not possible, yet to walk with it most probable furthermore destined.
Up head the distance revealed an alluring shadow likened to a darkness of smoke rather than of a shadow when examined closer. I indulged the illusion by complete acknowledgement only to be aware it wasn’t an illusion but you. Forces of nature gathered the four corners blowing the winds that crashed gracefully upon the shores as the sun burned brightly reflecting diamonds glistening in the sand retracting in your eyes.
Hands of precision tickling the tips of your split apart fingers reaching …Eyes that meet with twinkles and the awkward yet unfolding uniqueness of possible new love. Butterflies blossoming in my abdomen feeling like taking flight could be possible, as the moment etched further into their minds burning singeing in their hearts memories that live forever and he kissed her. Her first kiss.
She gurgled a scream that could be heard for a mile. The madness of her reality split. Vengeance seeped into her veins. She will never be the same.
Fragments of each other all scattered over our flesh our mind. Nanoparticles mixed by the human touches and shared thoughts, that’s what we are fragments, and I love each fragments each frame and all especially the stills. Captivating.
The psychiatric said to him, You have bipolar disorder. He looked baffled, no mental illness ran in his family. In a daze he stared back at the doctor… Thinking I won’t live like this. What will everyone say, the stigma, it’s already too much I can barely function.
“Couldn’t have been that profound if it didn’t stick.”
I often dream of far away places and far away faces obscure and unfriendly, and I can’t seem to wake up.
Swear we were packed like a can of sardines in that car, but it didn’t matter we were happy just to be there
I watched as the sky blossemed into a live picture show above the horizon slowly revealing itself inch by inch rising as it painted the canvas of the sky, the illumination grew stronger it was a sunrise to remember.
They yelled “sinner! Murderess! You’re killing your unborn child. Specters claiming to be Christians judging her as she walked closer to the clinic doors. The door seemed a mile away, she couldn’t help but shrink away inside and pray….God help me.They judged her. But yet call themselves Christians. If that’s Christianity I want no part of it.They judged her. But yet call themselves Christians. If that’s Christianity I want no part of it. Then climbed upon the examination table.
I got in!!! I got in!!! As he ran into his clique of friends. Waving his acceptance letter to the university that would pave his way to his unknown future.
Her legs dangled from the edge of the bed. Feeling all hope gone. Wondering if heaven and hell exist will God let her in… She swallowed the pills three by three and uttered “Father, Son, Holy Spirit” looking down the bottle empty, as empty as she felt. The loss was too much. slowly consciousness slipped away.
I threw your little body up up into the air as you softly landed into my arms and I pulled you close. Your smell, your small hands your eyes big in wonderment looking at me… I was enveloped by your love my angel from God.
I narrowed in and lowered my knees just enough to give me the angle and sprint needed for an effortless beautiful dive.I swam to the edge of the pool looked up and it was you, we both smiled.
He was the object of her desire. He loved knowing this. Tormented her at times. Like Dangling carrots. Winds of change blew in and her heart finally desired someone who desired her back. He was left in the wake of her tides as she drifted away at sea farther from him and closer to the one to be her true lover. Regret festered in his desire at that moment.
At the speed of snail I passed your house. The wind blew harshly by. I stared hoping to catch a glimpse of you. I would have settled for the family dogs appearance. But you’re gone… And I wait like a fool believing you will return.
“Does our absolute rise beyond infinity or does it die when we do?”
“Sometimes I’m so tired of all of it I just feel like settling.”
Laying down eyes closed listening to the crackles of leaves beneath your feet and the trickle of the distant stream near by, my mind wanders, I can only imagine what we would do behind closed doors.
You’ll drive I’ll shoot. We’ll be a modern day Bonnie and Clyde. Naw Micky and Malory instead, what’s your thoughts?
The car door slightly open as one foot dangles in and the other out. Turning the key in the ignition I stop and grin thinking about you and I’m positive you’re grinning too thinking bout me, aren’t we just the two?Me and you.
She eagerly waited like a kid waiting to open a gift for his call. Listlessly she hung her body on the end of the bed, half on half hanging off. A despair that was crawling in her. Then it rang. Her heart jumped and she sprung for the phone, “Hey how you doing “His voice came across the line….. what he doesn’t know is she wasn’t doing nothing but hurting thinking he may not call. If he knew how she intense she felt he would call early on purpose….. But stubborn she’ll keep grim self deprecating sides to herself.
Mosaic of memories and pieces of a life kept in frames upon the shelf but not kept in order randomly arranged.
Can I be a part of your Life time? and all the ones in between……..
Finally She ran into him. After years there he was on the same grocery isle as me only feet away. Years she thought in the same town, same small town. There eyes met but she quickly looked away. It was too much as tears puddled in corners of her eyes she felt a hand on her shoulder, he finally found the courage to tell her, speak to her… Was it too late? The pain to much? Her heart said “not this time. Your moment of extraordinary has arrived.” Let him in.” So she looked at him then to the ground as tears flowed. He lifted her chin to look at him. That was all it took. Forever began.
Not for Reproduction~NJM~
~My Son~
My Son life is gift and You are a gift to life~
My Son take care of yourself love yourself respect yourself and others will respect you~
My Son you will grow up and become a man never lose your inner child~
My Son you will win some and lose some don’t let the loss make you bitter but instead let it make you stronger~
My Son there is a God, we come from something bigger than us, give thanks and know God and angels watch over you~
My Son there will come a day that someone will let you down don’t lose your faith~
My Son there will be those who will lie about you, always do your best to tell the truth~
My Son you will fall in love one day remember love takes time to grow don’t jump in head first learn to understand each other to grow together~
My Son people say there is one great love in everyone’s life but remember that true love is immeasurable and to love alone is great~
My Son you will have many acquaintances and meet many people however you likely will have one true friend care for that friend and be there for them as I pray they will be there for you~
My Son you will meet many who are in need throughout your life do your best to be charitable learn to give~
My Son you will see many things in life that are unfair but do your best to not judge and know life eventually evens the score~
My Son you will come across others who are miserable and rude learn to be kind don’t take it personal be and example~
My Son don’t let other’s influence your thoughts learn to think for yourself~
My Son there will come a day where you will be afraid be brave and overcome~
My Son there will be those who will tell you are not good enough, know your value never sell yourself short~
My Son you will face the impossible in life don’t let it stop you , every dream can become a reality strive and press on and always do your best make your dreams come true I have faith in you~
My Son be different don’t conform stand out from the rest, stand tall, stand proud~
My Son there will be times in life to be humble, learn from this, understand this, grow from this~
My Son you can not save the world but you can make your area of the world a better place, care for mother earth the beautiful animals and those who have less than you, respect what you have been given take care of what is given you and greater things will come your way~
My Son not everyone is afforded the opportunity to understand and be educated learn to have patience learn to teach~
My Son you will grow older and people will die, we all die, still live life to the fullest~
My Son when I die and you need me after I’m gone know that a part of me is always there in your heart and in your mind that energy never dies it only changes form and I will see you again one day~
My Son you’re the greatest gift in my life I’m sorry for the times I’ve fallen short know I did the best I knew how that I love you always you are my heart, you are my reason, You are my Son~
Not for Reproduction~NJM~
~Rules of the Internet~Keeping it Real~Personal Quotes~
There are none~NJM~
Bipolar~The Maze~
Below is a question posed by a user via Quora.com The Question is “How to explain Bipolar Disorder to someone else?” I did paraphrase by the way, Hope my answer helps,
First What is your angle? Why do you feel the need?
Are you an advocate for the understanding and compassion for those who suffer mental illness?
I ask because you may not want to explain it at all.
What is the purpose? Everyone in one way or another has some form of mental health issue in my opinion.
You feel you need to be understood? We all want to be understood.
Here is how you can explain perhaps how you may feel……. I say this because I feel this way and it’s a great analogy.
~Living With Bipolar 1~NJM~ The Maze~
I am the lab rat. I am in a maze. There is no way to ever solve the maze as of yet.I can move from front to back, left to right, but the outcome is always gonna be the same redundant cycle.
I’ll never exit the maze. There are beautiful parts in the maze, scary parts, agitated parts, renovated parts, crazy parts, serine parts, but all those areas have no exit out.
Every person experiences the illness a bit different.
Treatment of the disorder is a must in order to live productively
It’s been bittersweet. I have been through many stages of the illness and 4 manic attack each triggered by extreme stress.
I also picked myself up and learned to live through my divorce and custody struggle.
I don’t trust many people but I do not isolate myself as I once did as I used to.
I have a part time job that deals with the public.
It’s like a roller coaster ride. Or surfing. You roll with the tides, and learn each time.
It’s pride I actually feel now, but must stay humble. I advocate for the stigma of bipolar to diminishes and begin to accept and love what has been mistunderstood for far to long. We have tackled openly everything except mental illness. Many people have some type of mental illness.
I’ll tell you this, through prayer and creativity, God, and my beautiful Son, I like me.
I’m ok with me.
Bottom line it’s not bad at this point of my life.
Thank God~
~It’s Been 1 Year~
What can I say, It’s been 1 year that I developed this blog. I developed it for several reasons. To educate and bring insight to mental illness and bipolar disorder which I suffer from. Let me rephrase that, that I have been blessed with, yes I said blessed with.
Sure there are times that I suffer, don’t we all suffer at times? Most times we actually bring the suffering upon ourselves….most of the time that is. There are circumstances that occur that we have no control over, and these circumstances can cause distress and pain.
Bipolar however can be used for the beauty and creativity that makes it the “Genius” disorder. Don’t get me wrong, all of us have a inner genius we can tap into, but truth be told some of the greatest people in our eternal history were afflicted with bipolar disorder, great prolific writers, artist, philosophers, inventors to name a few titles that bipolar disorder will forever be attached to.
Bipolar disorder invokes strong passionate feelings about so much. It’s why we have the super highs and the plummeting lows. But when you can find your niche and the right treatment for the illness you can do amazing things. Don’t get me wrong I have my “Silver Lining’s Playbook” moments….the Bradley Cooper Character parts, the ones that you know where you put something and will tear the house down looking for it all the while raging and possibly fits of crying….I also have the insight he had. If you have never seen the movie I highly recommend it. Two people Bradley Cooper plays “Pat” and Jennifer Lawrence plays “Tiffany” both of them suffer mental illness.
Their lives lead the into a cross road that intertwines and brings the two together. It brings two talented crazy ass, beautiful people together. Know what? They fall in love. I have been blessed with a very similar situation in my life. It intertwined with someone that I first saw two years ago at an AA meeting.
What I can say is this, the right person can be amazing and be the balance you may be missing. Am I saying go run out and find someone? Hell No! It’s a natural unexpected occurrence. You never know when are how, but when the timing is right they walk into your life and the puzzle begins to fit and come together.
Am I saying that another person is the answer? Again NO! your answer is to balance,and this can be many other things. But that’s the key. Balance and low to no stress levels. See I was in abusive relationship for several years. Events due to my illness and circumstances beyond my control propelled me forward, and low and behold her I am. Standing up, good people around me. Part time job, with a great boss. A wonderful partner. All I have to finish is this custody battle and the finality to the divorce which will be soon.
Look just like you I am feeling my way around this unexpected and mysterious life, illness….but one thing I will say is “Thank God” for my life has not been a random series of events, oh no..see I have watched things unfold in my lowest moments, and trust I have hit bottom on a few occasions. Each time I watch God maneuver and work all the kinks out. Believe how you chose, but I know what I lived.
Life without belief and faith is a random occurrence of events that have so many variables that there is no cohesive qualities. But a life of faith one rooted in God is a life of destiny and each occurrence brings you one step closer to the true reason you were placed here on this planet. One step closer to Kismet.
I plan to do more writing in this next year, I am still working on a Novel, but until some finalities in my life play out I have put it on the back burner.
I also Plan to continue to advocate and educate for the awareness of mental illness and taking the stigma away, to show others that we are human and we hurt and feel and love just as they do, just sometime more intensely more passionately. I plan to be a voice in the wilderness of the void, a voice that has no true voice, just random people here and there willing to admit to or casually speak about their personal struggles. I want to change the concept and understanding of mental illness and especially bipolar disorder.
To those who stop by and read my blog, thank you. To those who follow my blog thanks for your support!
Till my next post, be blessed, stay safe, be well.
Much Love~
NJM~
~I logged into her account~
he said twice on the stand…”I logged into her account” I’m sorry Mr.Raley did you just say you logged into her account and that anyone anywhere can jump IP addresses? ” well I logged into her account and…… …. I meant I went to her account stumbles on words…. Dialogue from court yesterday.
Oh yeah because I had an affair back in 1999 with Larry. I made him become an alcoholic. That’s right folks I’m the all powerful able to override your accountability. Wow I caused you, because you have no mind of your own is that it? Ok.
Seriously you were an alcoholic bulimic psycho thief since 1993. See you at the next hearing😀
Thank you God!!!!!
To all naysayers and those who kicked me under the bus… God’s got my back, who’s got yours?
~Truth About Hacking Part 2~
I was in thought this morning after prayer and it occurred to me that back in April of this year that my Ex-husband hacked my twitter account. He was looking through my direct messages between myself and Luke Cole a friend I had met via Quora as well as another friend. He did this twice. I had to post this because it shows you how vulnerable twitter accounts are, and how easy it is to get into another person account. Further more you don’t need to be Tech Savvy or a hacker of sorts to do so. His knowledge of such is minimal.
So remember that twitter is indeed a very vulnerable and easily available. This is true even for secured/locked accounts.
To further add insult to injury the very same person then created an account to follow the two males I was in communication with. After the most recent incident he then tweeted about the whole thing to these very people stating in the tweet that I had threatened to kill both him and my son as well as being baker acted(involuntary mental assessment).
It would also appear that my Quora account had been tampered with as well, hence the reason I am only posting here. Although I have not completely deactivated that account. I am considering doing so, but realize that much of my work on that blog is indeed helpful to those individuals that suffer mental illness.
This person tried to commit suicide back on May 17th of this year when I expressed my need to end this abusive relationship. I have since obtained the baker act of my ex-husband in regard to this situation as well as other incriminating health issues including but not limited to bulimia, anger issues, and severe alcohol dependency. I intend ti submit these to the courts.
I have court tomorrow and pray I find favor with this situation.
Thank you to those who are keeping me and my son and this situation in their prayers.
Bipolar Tapestry~Poetic Thoughts 