~Knowing Pain~

Emotional harm, Physical waste

Uneasy feeling bitter taste

Fastidious fear cry your last tear

Instigate Trifling

Presence so stifling

Negligent actions

Daunting infractions

Militant persuasion

Every occasion

Breeding your strife

Sucking up the last bit of my life

Mangled, tangled, fingers strangled

Inadequate hope

You hang from a rope

Your pain

It remains

Its all the same

It hurts this scar

Covering the body

Clenching grip

Obscene utterance on tongues tip

All will come to know

Pain…….

Is it Friend or Foe?

Relief or Thief

Or just belief~

~Contemptuous~

Disillusions exist ~
For everyone
Burdened by that emotion
Heavy
The sickness in my mind
Never Giving full rest
Cluttered thoughts
Watered down relation
Diluted
Indifference lurks
Total intolerance
Superficial people
Words contentious in meaning
Nothing said that’s profound
Dimly lit corner I will sit
Festering my disdain~

Not for Reproduction

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~Another Day~

Another day
Is gone~
Melts into history
Of what is you and me….. Others
There is no going back~
Even more another day could be Tomorrow a step forward
Could be filled with sorrow
Or joy and laughter~
Another day
I may see you and you may see me
But life is fragile and one of us could Die, each day people die~
Another day went by slowly or so fast It blurs~
Another day a newborn enters the world and grows onward into another Day~
Another day to reschedule
To procrastinate negotiate ~
Another day to build upon to Strengthen that which you work upon~
Another day could change your life Within an instant~
Alter all you have come to know
Another day is what it is
A day that will lapse into or out of Another day~
Another day is a reference
Associated with a 24 hour time frame~
Another day could have passed or Could be the future because either way it will be another day~
Another day we can plan to do Anything we wish to do on another day~
Another day you sickened me your True identity, your lies and games, From another day~
Further still on another day
I loved you, but another day changed That, it made me love you stronger
Hope praying to be together longer Than another day~
Another day I’ll get to hold you at Least I hope to hold you another day And all days that tie into another day~
Another day I’m one step closer or I’m Farther away yet into another day~
Another day is the most you can Hope for, or it could be lost~
Another day to count the cost~
Another day came and went
Another day spent~
To live to see another day or watch The last one slip away~

~NJM~
Not for reproduction~

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~I’m Sure~

In this silence there is rest
In the knowing I confess
The sum of the difference makes no sense
Be diligent,fight~
Do not go quietly into the night
Press forward push ahead
Until all these fears are gone, dead~
Find peace release
When the darkness begins to cloud
Be loud, find your voice~
That’s where you have a choice
Believe, know that love prevails
In all of the above you will not fail
Find rest and remember this life is but a test
To greater things we belong
Endure… this too shall pass of this I’m sure~

~NJM~

~Regret~

Ideological fanaticism The mirror holds the image so tight~

Unable to move out of ones sight~
Hourglass turns and sands starts to drain no longer can time contain~

Life sustain?
Reflections cracked and connection lost~

Guess no one decided to count the cost~
Detached and subdued, Drained, by the need~

All that they long for festers in greed~
How your heart full of art, Beautifully broken will bleed~

While I write these words, You read~in your mind It is I that plants the seeds~
Defining sounds consume all space~The shadows grow larger in this place~Yet disappearing without a trace ~
Grips that shackle the freedom once given~the strength of youth lost to time~Now live on your life walk the fine line~
We swallow their lies~Yet long for truth~
But all is lost, Especially our youth~
By the time you think you arrived~Your life event you barely survived~Often you wish that you just died~
All gone to another not each other~Surely push away forget together~
One day you look back and all that you see were words written …….Scribbles that rhyme but that’s ok fool yourself all is just fine~
Fine you say dear oh Darlin ~Lend me your ear~
When I speak these words, I invoke fear~
So run to your shadows~Hide away fast~
No matter what, I always last~
Rise as I watch you wither away, Longing to late now~How you wish I would stay~
Live now with your choice~Till your dying day~
Regret , remorse spinning the web~
Tears flow down your face onto your pillow then onto your bed~
When your alone you think of me~How we could have been, Let’s others see~
Yet you let me go again, You set me free~
Still you will come again and again~Just wait you’ll see~

~The Art of Being Sorry in 4 Simple Steps~

The art of sorry in 4 easy steps…….

For the majority of us being sorry is something we often feel when we do something wrong. We often forget is that when we truly are sorry and we apologize to the other person with whom we done wrong too we open ourselves up for hurt.

Feeling regret or remorse or sorry is an emotion that humans feel after doing something against their lack of better judgment or against their values or morals…..basically in any circumstances that they should’ve acted differently in.

Previously I stated you open yourself up for hurt when you truly are sorry, you then proceed to tell the person with whom you have wronged that hey “I’m sorry truly sorry”

What happens when you are sorry 1. You say it and 2. Mean it and 3. Leave yourself open to the persons response there are no “but’s” or “Could’s” or “Should’s” or Would’s” 4. There is but one single statement” I am sorry” that is all that should come out of your mouth. Next you should prepare yourself to receive whatever the other person Has to say in response to your contriteness silently listening without excuses.

Lately it appears or so it seems that the majority of relationships that I engage in are all one sided. This makes for a lonely existence. Unfortunately however alone it may feel I am learning that it is necessary to limit those around you who continuously make excuses or are master manipulators at trying to always turn everything into their “reasons for” never truly being sorry , only wanting to explain why they did what they did… see that is not sorry, Or at least where I come from that’s not what I was taught.

So to recap…..don’t ever say that you were sorry unless it is the only three words that you were going to say to the person you wronged,there is no excuse for whatever you’re sorry for that’s why it’s called being sorry….So there it is 4 simple steps to the Art of truly being sorry.

~Truth Behind Secrets~

In my experience It would seem everyone that I’ve come across has some type of secret, someone tells another something in confidence and therefore it becomes a pact or deal of some type between the two and they call that a secret or at least my own personal definition, however we also have our own secrets the ones we never tell anyone about…..the ones we keep hidden dark and deep and inside of us. There is a purpose why some of us keep secrets to ourselves but why….. why do we keep some things hidden from everyone?

The purpose secrets serve is it provides a type of refuge maybe protection and self preservation. Oh screw it let’s google some info. Here is what the definition of a secret is = Definition of secret::something kept hidden or unexplained : mystery. b : something kept from the knowledge of others or shared only confidentially with a few. c : a method, formula, or process used in an art or operation and divulged only to those of one’s own company or craft : trade secret.

Hey I like that definition it’s pretty broad when looked at that way. The secret I’m talking about is the one you’ve told no one else about. What is it your dirty hidden pleasures or your sad wounded childhood? Did a neighbor,aunt, uncle or older cousin or any other person sexually abuse you? it made you feel ashamed dirty in fact perhaps…. I know, I’ve been there….and there are many ways to be violated and I understand why you sometimes never tell no one. You keep little bits and pieces. What are the things we hold secret only to ourselves? Is it the scenarios mentioned above? Is it like your stealing telling no one else, having an affair on your partner? Who doesn’t know? Do you stalk someone who fascinates you? How far will you go to keep your secrets secret? That also begs an answer.

first protection of some sort is needed to keep secrets secrets, the lengths one will go to too keep things quiet, well let’s just say some are extreme…..the question I ask next is what are the methods used to keep said secrets? Even as I write this I can’t even tell you the reader of the few secrets hidden I have and usually I’m an open book. One thing is for sure it’s my secrets and I don’t ever tell secrets it’s why they are secrets . The funny thing…. I don’t give it second thought keeping things to myself. It’s very easy….. used to be so hard when I was younger. Somethings are best left hidden and unspoken. But how do you decide which you confide in and those you keep to yourself….yes this is a decision and also a choice what do you know, how bout that you get both…. to either continue in secrecy or confide in another person your best friend if you have one… that is loyal and trust worthy and would do for you as you would for them. Perhaps. But deep inside my gut as I write this the chance that you have hidden information about yourself that no one else knows is staggering because truthfully we all have at least one thing we want to hide and that is the secret about secrets….oh and secrets aren’t good for your health either, but hey we all must die of something, so now ssshhh don’t tell anyone what we now know or may have already known. It’s our Secret.

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The True Difference Between a Choice and Decision~

I would like to take my reader through the definitions that describe choice versus decision…..
What is the difference between a choice and decision? Have you ever really given it much thought?
I have Bipolar 1 and PTSD do I have a choice? No. Can I decide? What? Decide what? I can decide a lot but I don’t have a choice. Now watch how cunning and clever the human language can be.
Now let’s define the two okhere is the definition of decision=a conclusion or resolution reached after consideration.”I’ll make the decision on my own”=resolution, conclusion, settlement, commitment, resolve, determination 

esoluticonclusion, settlement, commitment, resolve, determination; choice, option, selection

“a number of factors led me to this decision”

verdict, finding, ruling, recommendation, judgment, pronouncement, adjudgment adjudication, arbitration;

sentence, decree, order, rule, injunction;

findings, results;

determination;

resolve;

 

“they’re delighted with the judge’s decision”

the action or process of deciding something or of resolving a question.”the information was used as the basis for decision”
a formal judgment.”last year’s Supreme Court decision”
the ability or tendency to make decisions quickly; decisiveness.
are Only some of the word used to describe the definition of decision.
Now let’s explore the definition of choice=an act of selecting or making a decision when faced with two or more possibilities.”the choice between good and evil” possibility, possible course of action; solution, answer, way out “you must trust me—you have no other choice” specially of food) of very good quality.”he picked some choice early plums” superior, first-class, first-rate, prime, premier, grade A, best, finest, excellent, select, quality, high-quality, top, top-quality, high-grade, of the first water, prize, special, exclusive, handpicked, carefully chosen, vintage, fine…… very fine ways to describe making the right choice as opposed to decisions
Then we have to remember options but thats for another time.
Funny how our human language has so many forms of saying basically the same thing. Yet two totally different ways in which we exercise each decision each choice.
I prefer the old fashion analogy “count the cost?” And “did you sell yourself short?” Both questions beg the for the same answer, but is it a decision or choice needed depending on perception and circumstances and situations.
Recently I contacted an old acquaintances who said “to make the right choice” But in light of our conversation and the topics at hand I believe that a decision would’ve been a better way……. a better suggestion to use in asking or stating the question… it was like both a statement and question at the same time kinda thing. But which is it? 
Can we get out of the damn cloudy grey areas all over the place especially in our communications with one another…. finding good true things in this world that lacks truth, love, kindness, and justice. Those only apply to some of us not all of us. After all not all of us are privileged and grew up in crystal white towers with stained glass temples as simple reminders of a sense of entitlement. Must be nice but I can only imagine as can most of the world population. 
I just know this I don’t have a choice in being PTSD and bipolar I can’t chose that! I could decide however to try everything to keep my illness healthy. See the difference I just proved? See you don’t always get a choice sometimes it’s only a decision…. so I’m gonna sit on this dock and make a decision to either get my ass up or just stay right fucking here. Sorry for the colorful language after all I’m supposed to be French being from Louisiana and having a Mother with the last name Bourgeois ( found out I don’t have any in me go figure however I have 5% Jew in me and a definite 50% Italian {my Dad was from Sicily}makes no sense why no French from Mom….guess she took that mystery to the grave too….. anyway I’m looking into that ) so that’s my excuse truly what is yours lol Thanks for listening.
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Read you’ll laugh Truth about Forgiveness & Other People’s Shit💩~one of my favorite Pieces~💩💩💩💩💩 one of my absolute oldie fave

The truth about forgiveness and other peoples shit.

I recently had an opportunity to interact in a racial discussion. Not such a big secret.

As with all things labeled “race” tensions can often times run high.

One of the people I exchanged views with I had previously exchanged more pleasant conversations in regard to life,love, God….

Thank God right? It’s always a good thing to share positive thoughts and well wishes.

But on this occasion, Many …many things came up in our exchange of views, mud was slinging about. You know the great divides that we all eventually face in life from time to time based upon learned views, social norms. That mud being our “shit”

I have what I like to call strong frequency levels when it comes to others I interact with. Whether face-to-face, phone, or via the Internet.Once the connection is made, I can sense the mood easily.

This person went to bed angry. I actually prayed and laid my head down in peace before sleep, but upon waking I could feel the tension in the atmosphere. That person had not slept well, and was still extremely angry.

That person I exchanged harsh words with The key word being “exchange” see I am aware enough to see that in most cases of civility when lines begin to blur and pleasantries cease to exist, it is down to the two who are at battle.

The battle being the subject at hand, the views harshly expressed. I could sense the indifference from this person, although this person may not have felt it from me. I bit into the indifference instead of doing what I clearly know how to do, which is to just walk away.

But instead I chose to stay awhile. I chose to hash out all my beliefs on the subject at hand. I stated my thoughts clearly and remained on the subject matter as best I could, considering the remarks and innuendos that were being exchanged. You know the ones like the word “Cognition” in regard to things of the mind. Or the phrases like “to counter your claims” or better yet “moral high ground” hmmmm….

After the final comments were finished, lines had been crossed, I prayed. I asked God to forgive me for my unwillingness to yield on the subject being discussed. Then I knew the next step to releasing the poison I had allowed myself to bite into….. I had to ask the very person I exchanged harsh comments with to humbly forgive me.

Now it’s one thing to say harsh words……that is to actually exchange harsh words, but another thing to say you’re sorry sensing and knowing that your wrong is as wrong as their wrong, yet fully aware that their arrogance would justify their cause and stated words.

I was fully aware that I would open myself up to feel further hurt by allowing myself to ask for forgiveness and in so doing trying to forgive myself for going to places I usually try my best to stay away from.

I believe the saying is “chose your battles wisely”.

I don’t know if the other person is or is not aware of how strongly I can sense others. But what I can tell you is my judgment of such has never failed. What has failed is for me to truly recognize at this stage of my life these frequencies I pick up on.

I realized that the last time I spoke to this person it was done on their behalf out of a sense of some duty. I could hear this in the person’s voice almost from day one. But I was extremely gracious for the fact that someone was willing to reach out to me.

I just wish I would have declined at this point. I realize that true actions never stick for long if they’re done out of duty.

For any true exchange or epiphany to occur on any subject between two strong minds there first needs to be a willingness that’s organic and freely felt from the heart to heart.

See duty is like a job you grudgingly hold onto because you somehow have been made to play that role. Trust I know, I used to feel the same way at one venture of my life. I realized that it was laboring under false pretense.

The most freeing thing anyone can do for themselves is to first forgive yourself for the ignorant actions/exchange between another living, breathing, human being. Forgive yourself for the stupid battle you so willingly placed yourself in, in the first place.

Then the hardest part of the next stage is saying your sorry, being fully aware that an apology is needed all the way around, however knowing you must act first. Because you can sense that the other person wouldn’t budge, and most likely will hold onto their view never fully seeing full circle that it was indeed an “exchange”

I’ve lived this role in my life to many times, what it has yet again taught me is to not only chose my plight carefully, but that at some innate level of existence this world has made us all a bit “full of shit”.

For that I can’t say much more, considering I’m covered in my own most of the time, but at the present moment I’m covered both in mine and the other persons “shit.”

I am sorry for the colorful use of the word “shit” as it pertains to the human qualities we all inherently share. I feel a bit cleaner now for coming clean, and being the person to see her shit first.

Now I’ll go on my detox of sorts that I said I was going to do yesterday, yet here I am today but now I truly have stated my piece/peace. Thank you for a lovely exchange.