~Breaking Bad~101 Days of Hell~Most Recent Manic Attack~

I have thought over and over about the events that provoked my most recent manic episode.

It began on July 28 of 2018. Let me begin by saying that often extreme Manic episodes take time to build up to a Crescendo so to speak, to hit its high….. to hit the apex of insanity. Stress always is the catalyst, I hadn’t seen my son in months although I share custody. I was being parentally alienated, I was in a stressful relationship and I had to many people around me with drama,like mental vampires that suck all your peace and solitude away from your mind.

As I write this I realize that this may be too much to write too soon after these events occurred, events that should never occurred yet unfortunately did.

But I want to be brave and I don’t want what happened to me to happen to others, that is why I write this blog is to educate and share my personal experiences in hope that someone else can learn and understand bipolar disorder and posttraumatic stress disorder better. Read the links below this Is where 2 inmates died in less than a year in this jail because they don’t care and do what they want when they want. Why? They don’t listen nor care , See that’s another thing they won’t give you your meds either. I take benzodiazepines, you are not to stop abruptly or you could go into seizure and die. I know this happened to me once while baker acted I almost died because they wouldn’t give me my usual dose of benzodiazepine. Here is the article this only shows part of the negligence at Lake County jail

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.wftv.com/amp/news/9-investigates/lake-county-sheriffs-office-investigates-armor-correctional-following-inmates-death/760398047 and here is another story https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.orlandosentinel.com/news/lake/os-ne-lake-county-jail-inmate-suicide-20190122-story,amp.html

I lost a lot this last episode I even lost myself for a while. I should’ve been baker acted but instead I was taken to jail for 101 days of hell.

I was also tasered in the heart while seated in my vehicle by an officer who knows and is well aware of my condition…..my disability which is bipolar disorder and posttraumatic stress disorder and yet he treated me and my disability without regard. This cop has baker acted me before. The police report is full of lies all my stuff was stolen there were about 20 responders…. too many …. shit got all fucked up, and a lot of my expensive things are gone….. stolen. I even lost my car.

I can’t go into detail right now after a lot of thought, I also have attorneys they probably wouldn’t want me talk about my experience while they are investigating case numbers of complaints I was brave enough to report to a nurse who helped me.

I held onto that piece of paper with a single case number and the name of the officer who put me into a room alone with him present while I was directed to write all of the things that happened to me.

I remembering asking him after hours of writing “is that all I get is a piece of paper with just a case number no dates no nothing but a number and your name?” Seriously?” Yep.

I was called the quiet one in jail. I didn’t talk much and I never cried. Couldn’t I shut down. I had no emotion left. Most likely all the trauma. Upon release on November 5th still no emotions. Honestly I only started crying after I watched all of the show “Breaking Bad” I completely could relate to Jesse’s character at the end, he drives away, and Walter white (aka Eisenberg) is on the lab floor dying as the cops are coming. That was the last episode…..I could feel for the first time watching it as it ended Jesse did the most amazing job of hitting that steering wheel so hard crying and screaming from all he endured, I felt it in…..that moment and it all bled through and finally after 5 and half months I cried…… so hard.

One day maybe I’ll tell more. Till then you can fill in blanks or not.

Perhaps I should have called this Breaking Bad…. 101 days of hell..or

“Finally I Cried, I’m beginning to feel again. . Now maybe I can learn to write again I’m learning to live again slowly. Thanks for reading. Breaking Bad definitely…….

~Bits of Heaven~A Price So Dearly Paid~

Little bits of heaven scattered all about~Peppered with indifference and a tad pinch of doubt~

You’re my number 1 blu Ray always on in my head~

Things we done, should have done but never really did~

Still I search rewind and always find little bits of heaven scattered all about peppered with jealousy and a tad bit of doubt~

You’re my mobility, fluidity, lucidity and I have no motion without you.~

So I sit down on the ground gathering up my bits of heaven, separating them from the rip torn shreds of hell~

I keep so still so quiet now, yet I have a story to tell~

For now I’ll play my blu Ray of us the little bits I saved~

The little bits of heaven a price so dearly paid~
NJM~

Not for reproduction~

~ The Cage~

The cage

I don’t need you to rattle my cage every damn day.

I don’t need you

& your diabolical demonic rage

I don’t need this cage

I don’t need you

I don’t need this cage

And All it’s cost all its pain

To go on further

To turn further to turn that damn page

I don’t need that fowl threat

I don’t pay your deadly debt

I look away

No more I will hear your voice

No longer hear you say

So I’ll say it again let it sink in

Don’t rattle my cage

Causing the rage

I’m leaving this battle

May it shake may it rattle

But I’m leaving the fucking cage

I don’t need you

Don’t need this cage

As keys dropped

I walk away

Away from

The cage

~Accounability Collector~

In bowels of deceit you were born

Silence prevails

As dynamics fluctuate

Blood runs through

Veins yet…. no heart

A strange life

Life not meant for here

Life force with out life

Without love

Abandoned me, it’s ‘s what you do~

My voice will haunt you because I loved you~

Out the window stare

Trees leaves glistening

Sunlight dances upon them

Love has forsaken me

But Angels prevail

Breathing and whispering

Weeping for my numb

Unresponsiveness

Trying to ignite my flame of life

To save me all the strife

To late

The flames falls….. falling over

The precipice….in my heart has a steep drop

Flames burn out as they fall downward into the body, the shell of who I was

I am no longer

My life half there

Half gone

Timing, Destiny

Can kiss my ass

I’ll chose when or if

I decide to leave or stay

Best get on knees

Best pray

Memories don’t dissipate

Scathing scars

Blood runs

Slowly seeping

Out

What have you done

You fool

Foolish games

Stop

Because! …love no more

John Keats” there is no happy love

More happy happy love”

Please…
Nazareth” Love hurts

Love scars

Love wounds and marks

Any heart not tough or strong enough

To take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain

Love is like a cloud, it holds a lot of rain

Love hurts”
You had the the truth in the lyrics

Music can express

Art can express

But you’ll never again have Enough to impress

What does it take?

What it takes you don’t have,or was it Me, I didn’t …..all so complicated you see~
The accountability collector called, said its time to pay your bill it’s long past due~

~Old Soul~NJM~

Old soul

Traveling through constellation
Transcending the normality
Searching for the landing
Awkward understanding
This life is unexpected
I am a visitor
I visited before
Returned
Did I leave something
Important to remember
My past life?
How many times did I incarnate?
It’s my old soul or is it?
Yes, it’s what will make me whole , the pieces of my old soul scattered all about,

Collecting each piece without doubt that lessons learned often seer the scrapes and wounds will burn.
There I was
Yet again
I know you
You’re a really old friend
Old soul
Always young
Never really growing old
These bits and pieces of old souls
We wear
But it’s the lessons we learned that we all now bare
Old soul~

~The Art of Being Sorry in 4 Simple Steps~

The art of sorry in 4 easy steps…….

For the majority of us being sorry is something we often feel when we do something wrong. We often forget is that when we truly are sorry and we apologize to the other person with whom we done wrong too we open ourselves up for hurt.

Feeling regret or remorse or sorry is an emotion that humans feel after doing something against their lack of better judgment or against their values or morals…..basically in any circumstances that they should’ve acted differently in.

Previously I stated you open yourself up for hurt when you truly are sorry, you then proceed to tell the person with whom you have wronged that hey “I’m sorry truly sorry”

What happens when you are sorry 1. You say it and 2. Mean it and 3. Leave yourself open to the persons response there are no “but’s” or “Could’s” or “Should’s” or Would’s” 4. There is but one single statement” I am sorry” that is all that should come out of your mouth. Next you should prepare yourself to receive whatever the other person Has to say in response to your contriteness silently listening without excuses.

Lately it appears or so it seems that the majority of relationships that I engage in are all one sided. This makes for a lonely existence. Unfortunately however alone it may feel I am learning that it is necessary to limit those around you who continuously make excuses or are master manipulators at trying to always turn everything into their “reasons for” never truly being sorry , only wanting to explain why they did what they did… see that is not sorry, Or at least where I come from that’s not what I was taught.

So to recap…..don’t ever say that you were sorry unless it is the only three words that you were going to say to the person you wronged,there is no excuse for whatever you’re sorry for that’s why it’s called being sorry….So there it is 4 simple steps to the Art of truly being sorry.