~Silence~Sshh~

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Listen?What do you hear?

Silence….

So profound it speaks all its beautiful quiet self~

Listen?

What do you hear?

Water dripping in the fountain~

The soothing repetitive sound~

But Silence is now were I’ll be found~

So let the sounds drown out  & blow the gentle wind~

The unseen breeze tickling my chin~

The sun glistening through the leaves

Peaking at me in silence

Kissing me from afar

This silence is my refuge

It defines my personal need

To listen only if I want

Perhaps you listen to the deafening

Silence that belongs to me and you

While we both await to see each other again~

I know silence is my friend

By my side until the end

Ssshhh

Quiet now

Silence~

~ Undeniable~

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Disappearing into your gravity can’t help it,

Spinning awkwardly

You raddled my mind 

shaking my existence to the core

Yet in the place I am, I desire more

More than the justice lacking

The people slacking

Cyber hacking

Only a bleak

Shell of someone

Something

Happening

Hanging by a thread

Still Attached to the needle

Somehow the thread won’t sever won’t let go

Yet the needle will not yield

There is no shield to protect me

Look around what do you see

I feel I’ve fallen to the ground

Your voice bleak so low in the background

I am still here still in tact 

Yet Am I a useful artifact

I love, I feel,  I have been healed

Or so it seems

Perhaps this all

Was just a dream

One I can never awake 

Maybe it is me my heart is yours to take~

~Autobiography in Five Short Chapters~

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Chapter 1.

I walk down the street

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk I fall in. I am lost…… Helpless.

It isn’t my fault.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk, I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again.

I can’t believe I am in the same place. But it isn’t my fault.It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3.

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it there. I still fall in…….. It’s a habit. My eyes are open, I know where I am. It is my fault I get out immediately.

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street, there is a deep hole in the sidewalk, this time I walk around it.

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.

Anonymous ~

NJM~

The below song sums me up, and it’s to whoever knows all of me~

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=C6kLbDHu0yc

~Contemplating Courage~

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Courage is looked upon in many ways.
A definition I ran across explained courage as this : the ability to do something that frightens one.
My personal definition of
Courage is not caring how others view you, to believe in you and the abilities you have to meet the outcomes you strategically planned without validation or others approval. Courage it’s how you believe.

Courage. Powerful will etched upon ones soul. The Need to express, to attain, to make, to conquer, to bring down, to uplift, without fear of the result but with courage to step out in faith and take that approach, the strategy festering in one’s mind, words spoken, thoughts into realization, dreams to make come true. How many ask “Oh precious courage may I find you?”

Are dreams always positive? Courage can be warped, read the first above definition…. “That frightens one” why is courage frightening?
Why? It’s unknown, not knowing the outcome.
Is intent always pure?
Is the reason of intent for gain or to release?
Was the courage you conjured up original?
Was that yours? Your thoughts, ideas or was it recycled desires of others?
Originality?
What denotes the lack of ones courage?
Cowards are we? Taking no chance, no reason to believe?
Believe in what? Yourself? God? Merely un seen intangible power that propels you closer to what you invested into this venture called life that changes you forever.
Why?
Courage. Are you willing to die? To submit? To let go? To hold on, strike first, be humble?
Can being humble be thought courageous?
Is not the servant very often just a master in disguise? Serving takes courage… As does proper leadership.
Is it not also true that which may seem frail and meek often furious when threatened? Courage or instinct can it be both?
Temperament, continence the way one is perceived by others, does courage always show a badge of honor, or at times the code of silence,  even further the sentence of death.
Can courage also weaken ones being if inability is found in attaining the outcome desired when you took the step of faith and acted in courage? Will it leave you bitter? Resentful?
Or did the failure of your lacking courage fuel the fire, giving yet more to desire? To attain? To never refrain.
The bitterest truth is always better than any of the sweetest lies in that courage won’t deny.
Courage is rooted in control
To not feel off kilt to gain the balance needed to execute with flawless precision that which you value.
Repeat… That which YOU value.
Do you have the courage it’s down to decision.
Was the decision you made the one that was right?
Will it be a path of least resistance? Hardly…mostly it will be the need to fight? Mostly. Not always.
It takes courage you see in how you live, to learn to let go, to often forgive.
That’s right. It takes courage to let go, to let God, Destiny, the powers that be take over your steering wheel and sit back wait to see, if the courage to give control to a greater force than you? To hold you up carry you through.
Many may think letting go is giving up. I think it to be otherwise. By nature the need to “even the score” seems an ongoing theme. Vengeance ..hmmmm. A vengeful heart is never free. Shackled by the need, to even the wrong. what wrong? Oh the wrong you felt done to you. I see.
We have wrongs that we endured.
Letting go takes courage. To not dwell. Be done, released of the spell.
However, If it’s about holding on and never letting go be ready you see for to battle you go.
Courage that causes least harm to conquer what’s right.
If one can live/love by that code then how beautiful it would be, I believe it may change the definition you see.
Is courage rooted in selfish wants or for the greater good. Is the latter the better? Is the first good?
Best left for fate to decide for somethings are not to be touched taken and surely not mistaken. Especially in pride.
Pride can cloud your courage you see
Pride can be the demise leading to a bitter end, leaving you with nothing not even a friend.
Take courage
Be strong
Draw in a deep breath
Stand up act even if the action is indeed non action. Have no fear for In that notion alone you bring courage near.
Be courageous. Learn discipline too. In that word denotes courage in you.
Let it spill over and be contagious. Want to know my personal definition of courage? Courage = Faith.
The question is what is your faith rooted in?
Now ask yourself and live it, That simple.
The courage to believe and still let go, and all the while deep inside to truly know.
Take Courage.
Not for Reproduction~

~My Son~

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My Son life is gift and You are a gift to life~
My Son take care of yourself love yourself respect yourself and others will respect you~
My Son you will grow up and become a man never lose your inner child~
My Son you will win some and lose some don’t let the loss make you bitter but instead let it make you stronger~
My Son there is a God, we come from something bigger than us, give thanks and know God and angels watch over you~
My Son there will come a day that someone will let you down don’t lose your faith~
My Son there will be those who will lie about you, always do your best to tell the truth~
My Son you will fall in love one day remember love takes time to grow don’t jump in head first learn to understand each other to grow together~
My Son people say there is one great love in everyone’s life but remember that true love is immeasurable and to love alone is great~
My Son you will have many acquaintances and meet many people however you likely will have one true friend care for that friend and be there for them as I pray they will be there for you~
My Son you will meet many who are in need throughout your life do your best to be charitable learn to give~
My Son you will see many things in life that are unfair but do your best to not judge and know life eventually evens the score~
My Son you will come across others who are miserable and rude learn to be kind don’t take it personal be and example~
My Son don’t let other’s influence your thoughts learn to think for yourself~
My Son there will come a day where you will be afraid be brave and overcome~
My Son there will be those who will tell you are not good enough, know your value never sell yourself short~
My Son you will face the impossible in life don’t let it stop you , every dream can become a reality strive and press on and always do your best make your dreams come true I have faith in you~
My Son be different don’t conform stand out from the rest, stand tall, stand proud~
My Son there will be times in life to be humble, learn from this, understand this, grow from this~
My Son you can not save the world but you can make your area of the world a better place, care for mother earth the beautiful animals and those who have less than you, respect what you have been given take care of what is given you and greater things will come your way~
My Son not everyone is afforded the opportunity to understand and be educated learn to have patience learn to teach~
My Son you will grow older and people will die, we all die, still live life to the fullest~
My Son when I die and you need me after I’m gone know that a part of me is always there in your heart and in your mind that energy never dies it only changes form and I will see you again one day~
My Son you’re the greatest gift in my life I’m sorry for the times I’ve fallen short know I did the best I knew how that I love you always you are my heart, you are my reason, You are my Son~
Not for Reproduction~NJM~

~Bipolar Thoughts~NJM Come On Protesters!~ 

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Is this your last best chance?Are you gonna take it?

Or are you going to the grave with unlived lives in your veins?

~My Son~Happy 13th Birthday!!! 

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My Son life is gift and You are a gift to life~

My Son take care of yourself love yourself respect yourself and others will respect you~

My Son you will grow up and become a man never lose your inner child~

My Son you will win some and lose some don’t let the loss make you bitter but instead let it make you stronger~

My Son there is a God, we come from something bigger than us, give thanks and know God and angels watch over you~

My Son there will come a day that someone will let you down don’t lose your faith~

My Son there will be those who will lie about you, always do your best to tell the truth~

My Son you will fall in love one day remember love takes time to grow don’t jump in head first learn to understand each other to grow together~

My Son people say there is one great love in everyone’s life but remember that true love is immeasurable and to love alone is great~

My Son you will have many acquaintances and meet many people however you likely will have one true friend care for that friend and be there for them as I pray they will be there for you~

My Son you will meet many who are in need throughout your life do your best to be charitable learn to give~

My Son you will see many things in life that are unfair but do your best to not judge and know life eventually evens the score~

My Son you will come across others who are miserable and rude learn to be kind don’t take it personal be and example~

My Son don’t let other’s influence your thoughts learn to think for yourself~

My Son there will come a day where you will be afraid be brave and overcome~

My Son there will be those who will tell you are not good enough, know your value never sell yourself short~

My Son you will face the impossible in life don’t let it stop you , every dream can become a reality strive and press on and always do your best make your dreams come true I have faith in you~

My Son be different don’t conform stand out from the rest, stand tall, stand proud~

My Son there will be times in life to be humble, learn from this, understand this, grow from this~

My Son you can not save the world but you can make your area of the world a better place, care for mother earth the beautiful animals and those who have less than you, respect what you have been given take care of what is given you and greater things will come your way~

My Son not everyone is afforded the opportunity to understand and be educated learn to have patience learn to teach~

My Son you will grow older and people will die, we all die, still live life to the fullest~

My Son when I die and you need me after I’m gone know that a part of me is always there in your heart and in your mind that energy never dies it only changes form and I will see you again one day~

My Son you’re the greatest gift in my life I’m sorry for the times I’ve fallen short know I did the best I knew how that I love you always you are my heart, you are my reason, You are my Son~

Not for Reproduction~NJM~

~It’s Been 1 Year~

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What can I say, It’s been 1 year that I developed this blog. I developed it for several reasons. To educate and bring insight to mental illness and bipolar disorder which I suffer from. Let me rephrase that, that I have been blessed with, yes I said blessed with.

Sure there are times that I suffer, don’t we all suffer at times? Most times we actually bring the suffering upon ourselves….most of the time that is. There are circumstances that occur that we have no control over, and these circumstances can cause distress and pain.

Bipolar however can be used for the beauty and creativity that makes it the “Genius” disorder. Don’t get me wrong, all of us have a inner genius we can tap into, but truth be told some of the greatest people in our eternal history were afflicted with bipolar disorder, great prolific writers, artist, philosophers, inventors to name a few titles that bipolar disorder will forever be attached to.

Bipolar disorder invokes strong passionate feelings about so much. It’s why we have the super highs and the plummeting lows. But when you can find your niche and the right treatment for the illness you can do amazing things. Don’t get me wrong I have my “Silver Lining’s Playbook” moments….the Bradley Cooper Character parts, the ones that you know where you put something and will tear the house down looking for it all the while raging and possibly fits of crying….I also have the insight he had. If you have never seen the movie I highly recommend it. Two people Bradley Cooper plays “Pat” and Jennifer Lawrence plays “Tiffany” both of them suffer mental illness.

 

Their lives lead the into a cross road that intertwines and brings the two together. It brings two talented crazy ass, beautiful people together. Know what? They fall in love. I have been blessed with a very similar situation in my life. It intertwined with someone that I first saw two years ago at an AA meeting.

What I can say is this, the right person can be amazing and be the balance you may be missing. Am I saying go run out and find someone? Hell No! It’s a natural unexpected occurrence. You never know when are how, but when the timing is right they walk into your life and the puzzle begins to fit and come together.

Am I saying that another person is the answer? Again NO! your answer is to balance,and this can be many other things. But that’s the key. Balance and low to no stress levels. See I was in abusive relationship for several years. Events due to my illness and circumstances beyond my control propelled me forward, and low and behold her I am. Standing up, good people around me. Part time job, with a great boss. A wonderful partner. All I have to finish is this custody battle and the finality to the divorce which will be soon.

Look just like you I am feeling my way around this unexpected and mysterious life, illness….but one thing I will say is “Thank God” for my life has not been a random series of events, oh no..see I have watched things unfold in my lowest moments, and trust I have hit bottom on a few occasions. Each time I watch God maneuver and work all the kinks out. Believe how you chose, but I know what I lived.

 

Life without belief and faith is a random occurrence of events that have so many variables that there is no cohesive qualities. But a life of faith one rooted in God is a life of destiny and each occurrence brings you one step closer to the true reason you were placed here on this planet. One step closer to Kismet.

I plan to do more writing in this next year, I am still working on a Novel, but until some finalities in my life play out I have put it on the back burner.

I also Plan to continue to advocate and educate for the awareness of mental illness and taking the stigma away, to show others that we are human and we hurt and feel and love just  as they do, just sometime more intensely more passionately. I plan to be a voice in the wilderness of the void, a voice that has no true voice, just random  people here and there willing to admit to or casually speak about their personal struggles. I want to change the concept and understanding of mental illness and especially bipolar disorder.

To those who stop by and read my blog, thank you. To those who follow my blog thanks for your support!

Till my next post, be blessed, stay safe, be well.

Much Love~

NJM~

~Personal Quotes~

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~Death is inevitable, love immesurable, hate consuming, want never ending~NJM~

~Personal Quotes~

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~Prayers left unanswered does not mean “no” sometimes unanswered prayers means to go on with the show~