~The truth of the matter is love has no reason, it is a mystery, wrapped up in history, sometimes causing euphoria, and other times just misery~NJM~
Category Archives: Dreams
~Regret~
Ideological fanaticism The mirror holds the image so tight~
Unable to move out of ones sight~
Hourglass turns and sands starts to drain no longer can time contain~
Life sustain?
Reflections cracked and connection lost~
Guess no one decided to count the cost~
Detached and subdued, Drained, by the need~
All that they long for festers in greed~
How your heart full of art, Beautifully broken will bleed~
While I write these words, You read~in your mind It is I that plants the seeds~
Defining sounds consume all space~The shadows grow larger in this place~Yet disappearing without a trace ~
Grips that shackle the freedom once given~the strength of youth lost to time~Now live on your life walk the fine line~
We swallow their lies~Yet long for truth~
But all is lost, Especially our youth~
By the time you think you arrived~Your life event you barely survived~Often you wish that you just died~
All gone to another not each other~Surely push away forget together~
One day you look back and all that you see were words written …….Scribbles that rhyme but that’s ok fool yourself all is just fine~
Fine you say dear oh Darlin ~Lend me your ear~
When I speak these words, I invoke fear~
So run to your shadows~Hide away fast~
No matter what, I always last~
Rise as I watch you wither away, Longing to late now~How you wish I would stay~
Live now with your choice~Till your dying day~
Regret , remorse spinning the web~
Tears flow down your face onto your pillow then onto your bed~
When your alone you think of me~How we could have been, Let’s others see~
Yet you let me go again, You set me free~
Still you will come again and again~Just wait you’ll see~
~We All Lie~So Get Real~NJM~Anyone Like Truth? Hmm…
“How are you Doing today?”It’s what we all say to each other everyday.
Social situations facial navigation fake smile social niceties.
“Fine, and you, how are you?”
Oh fine.
We share our fake smiles
Waiting in lines
Talking small talk
Ready to move forward now
Ready to walk
Everyday you lie, I lie….Because each day that phrase is a greeting/statement/question all rolled up in one
For the most part
It’s “oui bien sur”
Or a more American way to say it instead of French is
“Yes of course”,Sure I’m fine, oh you are too? great! Have a good day!
Another proclamation of sending each person off with a ” have a good day”
I Personally like to say “have a blessed day and I make eye contact to let them know I see them, I mean what I just said.
“Have a blessed day..”
Being sincere about our feelings publicly is just not normal. We may disturb another human being with the truth such as saying” hey it’s not a good day thus far”.
Be real when you feel that way; say it, and pray it will get better.
Don’t socially lie, it’s what makes us feel as though other little lies aren’t such a bad thing. So we use more.
Perhaps you Don’t want to go somewhere you promised someone that you would go to such as an event or visit. The Majority of us would make up either an “illness”or a “family emergency”.
These are the things we as a society have accepted,which in turn; and in my opinion has diluted every human to some point.
The point of this message is sorry to burst your bubble baby, we are all liars. Now I’m
Gonna try to get through this Holiday and the rest of my life stating my truth. Perhaps if we all did, well then things for damn sure would get real.
Know what, real is what we need for positive change. In my opinion we are far to fake, not enough real.
Resolution of life going forward and note to self ” be real” pray another companion comes into my life with that goal as well. Shouldn’t we all be so fortunate?
Have a Happy Holiday’s everyone , truly much
Love and thanks for stopping by and reading my truth.
PS. My photo is my part of being real makeup free being me. At least half… 😜
~The Art of Being Sorry in 4 Simple Steps~
The art of sorry in 4 easy steps…….
For the majority of us being sorry is something we often feel when we do something wrong. We often forget is that when we truly are sorry and we apologize to the other person with whom we done wrong too we open ourselves up for hurt.
Feeling regret or remorse or sorry is an emotion that humans feel after doing something against their lack of better judgment or against their values or morals…..basically in any circumstances that they should’ve acted differently in.
Previously I stated you open yourself up for hurt when you truly are sorry, you then proceed to tell the person with whom you have wronged that hey “I’m sorry truly sorry”
What happens when you are sorry 1. You say it and 2. Mean it and 3. Leave yourself open to the persons response there are no “but’s” or “Could’s” or “Should’s” or Would’s” 4. There is but one single statement” I am sorry” that is all that should come out of your mouth. Next you should prepare yourself to receive whatever the other person Has to say in response to your contriteness silently listening without excuses.
Lately it appears or so it seems that the majority of relationships that I engage in are all one sided. This makes for a lonely existence. Unfortunately however alone it may feel I am learning that it is necessary to limit those around you who continuously make excuses or are master manipulators at trying to always turn everything into their “reasons for” never truly being sorry , only wanting to explain why they did what they did… see that is not sorry, Or at least where I come from that’s not what I was taught.
So to recap…..don’t ever say that you were sorry unless it is the only three words that you were going to say to the person you wronged,there is no excuse for whatever you’re sorry for that’s why it’s called being sorry….So there it is 4 simple steps to the Art of truly being sorry.
~Glorious Victory~Stories Legends are Made of~
Thy kingdom beyond the clouds doth reign~
Shall thy defend this kingdom in vain
Wonderful glory of beauty beseech
Because thy own to far must reach
Horse hooves loudly roar
Upon this ground
Upon the sound
Upon thy mercy lay thy crown
Soldiers tarry and bravely fight
They battle deep into the night
There waits a queen whose faith is shaken~
Her lords crown may soon be taken
Doth people of common understand
That they toil upon stolen land
Beauty of thine yet more to seek
Across the crowds our eyes doth meet~
Horses hooves loudly roar
As knights from battle fight no more
Kingdom bound to feast and dance
Till yet again another chance
To defend thy kingdom
Thy people, thy crown
To defeat that beast come from the ground~
To hear that glorious, victorious sound
To place upon the king his crown
Then yet once more shall thy ascend
To fight this battle yet once again
Because this kingdom I defend!
Because this kingdom I defend!
With glorious victory till bitter end~
Not For Reproduction~
~Breaking Bad~One Hundred And One Days of Hell~Needs lots of Work on this for damn sure~
I have thought over and over about the events that provoked my most recent manic episode.
It began on July 28 of 2018. Let me begin by saying that often extreme Manic episodes take time to build up to a Crescendo so to speak, to hit its high….. to hit the apex of insanity. Stress always is the catalyst, I hadn’t seen my son in months although I share custody. I was being parentally alienated, I was in a stressful relationship and I had to many people around me with drama,like mental vampires that suck all your peace and solitude away from your mind.
As I write this I realize that this may be too much to write too soon after these events occurred, events that should never occurred yet unfortunately did.
But I want to be brave and I don’t want what happened to me to happen to others, that is why I write this blog is to educate and share my personal experiences in hope that someone else can learn and understand bipolar disorder and posttraumatic stress disorder better. Read the links below this Is where 2 inmates died in less than a year in this jail because they don’t care and do what they want when they want. Why? They don’t listen nor care , See that’s another thing they won’t give you your meds either. I take benzodiazepines, you are not to stop abruptly or you could go into seizure and die. I know this happened to me once while baker acted I almost died because they wouldn’t give me my usual dose of benzodiazepine. Here is the article this only shows part of the negligence at Lake County jail
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.wftv.com/amp/news/9-investigates/lake-county-sheriffs-office-investigates-armor-correctional-following-inmates-death/760398047 and here is another story https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.orlandosentinel.com/news/lake/os-ne-lake-county-jail-inmate-suicide-20190122-story,amp.html
I lost a lot this last episode I even lost myself for a while. I should’ve been baker acted but instead I was taken to jail for 101 days of hell.
I was also tasered in the heart while seated in my vehicle by an officer who knows and is well aware of my condition…..my disability which is bipolar disorder and posttraumatic stress disorder and yet he treated me and my disability without regard. This cop has baker acted me before. The police report is full of lies all my stuff was stolen there were about 20 responders…. too many …. shit got all fucked up, and a lot of my expensive things are gone….. stolen. I even lost my car.
I can’t go into detail right now after a lot of thought, I also have attorneys they probably wouldn’t want me talk about my experience while they are investigating case numbers of complaints I was brave enough to report to a nurse who helped me.
I held onto that piece of paper with a single case number and the name of the officer who put me into a room alone with him present while I was directed to write all of the things that happened to me.
I remembering asking him after hours of writing “is that all I get is a piece of paper with just a case number no dates no nothing but a number and your name?” Seriously?” Yep.
I was called the quiet one in jail. I didn’t talk much and I never cried. Couldn’t I shut down. I had no emotion left. Most likely all the trauma. Upon release on November 5th still no emotions. Honestly I only started crying after I watched all of the show “Breaking Bad” I completely could relate to Jesse’s character at the end, he drives away, and Walter white (aka Eisenberg) is on the lab floor dying as the cops are coming. That was the last episode…..I could feel for the first time watching it as it ended Jesse did the most amazing job of hitting that steering wheel so hard crying and screaming from all he endured, I felt it in…..that moment and it all bled through and finally after 5 and half months I cried…… so hard.
One day maybe I’ll tell more. Till then you can fill in blanks or not.
Perhaps I should have called this Breaking Bad…. 101 days of hell..or
“Finally I Cried, I’m beginning to feel again. . Now maybe I can learn to write again I’m learning to live again slowly. Thanks for reading. Breaking Bad definitely…….
Happy Mother’s Day to my Mom Mary Louis Bourgeois~One of the greatest fortune tellers On the Bayous of Houma Louisiana~
My Mon was 78 years old right there in the photo, just saying~
Momma I called Dennis today, been 7 years since you passed away.
I was sick in my mind and was unable to help when you died.
Momma we had a very strained relationship I felt that you tried……. the best you knew how, oh how I wish you were here now.
The words I speak now are still hard to find.
After 7 years I asked Dennis, I never met face to face.
If he would render the ashes, if not where they were placed?
Momma he couldn’t you see.
He gave them to your companion who was 20 years younger , as you well knew his name is cecil. Here I got his picture today! He looks great see 
I searched Cecil down and what a surprise he did tell. By the way he is doing well.
He poured out your ashes onto your mothers grave.
It was to late for your ashes for me to save.
Momma I’m sorry I was sick in my mind, there were many around me who were very unkind. You warned me long ago but I didn’t take heed. Watch who you let in and what exactly they need. They will cling to you, your life force and will breed.
You mailed me a card voicing concern, it was mailed the day you died I finally learned.
Momma it is bittersweet to know the day you passed & went away that you mailed the card to me that very day.
Momma you already know I grieve differently than most.
I have delayed grief it takes many years to finally sink in.
Just like when Dad died ashes to wind, he died on my birthday as you already knew. He died 7 years before you.
Momma lately you haunt my dreams… I want you to know I don’t have a Stone where your ashes did go, so this is your headstone now this is your grave.
Momma you kept secrets to tell……
But I’m not sure if those secrets went to heaven or hell.
I’ll never know but I can presume you’re finally at rest you paid the price you passed the test.
I know your life was really hard it was far from the best.
How I wish things were different
How they could’ve been.
Momma receiving the card you sent on the day of your death,
It was delivered 3 days later
I opened the mail box took a deep breath.
Momma the last two years of your life we became close
I want you to know I miss you and Dad both.
You lived through Katrina I found your sons as you asked, I never knew you had many children each one you left except me, I don’t know why,
And will never understand why it was me? Or why the others never came to see, except my sister Jackie
But time has a way to change what has past make it what’s best.
Momma I talked to Dennis to day
Twice before too, this is what he would say “Kismet” at first I didn’t know what he meant
Didn’t know how time moves,
How time is spent.
I know that will be the last time I’ll talk to him as he announced to me his Kismet is due.
Momma Dennis is now 71 years old.
He had a few stories that needed to be told.
His accent sounded so good so Cajun you see the blood so creole in you and in me.
Momma you instilled in me the Bible and quotes each day
At night on bent knee psalms 91 we would pray.
I still can recite it in its entirety today.
Momma you were known as the great fortune teller who lived on the bayou I saw what you did…….
How you always eventually knew.
People would come from cities around to see what was ahead of them to see what you found.
You used a plain deck of cards for you to see what would be.
The kings and the Queens and jokers Jumped out of the deck.
Taking inventory gave them the check read them the mail from the outer realm, touched by the unseen, you taught some to me, taught my unseen instincts only you could at first see.
Prophetic words spilled out of your mouth. You could summon the knowledge from North, West, East and south.
You never approved of any man I brought before you.
They were not good enough,
They weren’t good men.
“Not able “you’d say to give my daughter only truth long the way, to love me as needed, to protect me from harm, guess you knew that none existed so you never did tell how life could often be hell.
People clouded by lies shackled in death, confessing only in their last breath.
I’m so sorry momma I couldn’t get you in a casket into the ground.
But Jimi sang a song just for you how profound
“The wind cries Mary” all around.
https://g.co/kgs/pxdqgQ
I think of you when I hear that song, Jimi tapped into your life somehow in that unseen realm… I think it’s cool and truly old school.
How could he see the creole Mary how the wind would cry your name, how the words painted your life, your strife, your hope, the saddest thing to me was you had to learn to cope.
So Momma this is your headstone on the web of the world immortalized but your story not all told.
Momma I too now am getting old.
Your grandson is growing up to, I see so much of me in him like I see so much of you in me.
Funny how life works how it moves along somehow.
Momma I pray for your blessing as I move along on my quest
Momma inside me I know you’re at rest.
Love Nicole
Mary Louise Bourgeois
R.I.P.
7/12/1927 – 9/30/2010
In that photo she was 75… died at age 83.
~Beautiful Are We~CWL~
Beautiful are we
Exhilarating no words needed for communicating
It’s just in our eyes no limits are set
Moments desires never forget~
Beautiful are we
As we lay intertwined
Sweat shimmering over our skin
Repeating the motions
Again and again
We climax reaching the apex
Strengthening this union sealing this
Bond~
Beautiful are we
Love affair written in stars~
We vigorously crave each
Other night after night~
Beautiful are we
Searched for years
Pushing all limits past all the fear… All those tears….. Gone~
Beautiful are we
Our hearts exchanged
Brings about change our minds rearranged
Some would say we’re deranged
Illness of ghosts that lives in our head
Often both romancing suicide wanting to be dead~
Beautiful are we
Hearts beat as one
This love affair has just begun~
Beautiful are we
Vulnerable yet strong as we walk the world together
No longer alone~
Beautiful are we
Bound by this enchantment released from our hell
Not having to convince
For we have nothing to sell~
Beautiful are we
Showing all our flaws standing face to face
Yet still allowing space this acceptance this grace~
Beautiful are we
Walking hand and hand not breaking our ties
To tell our truth not to speak lies~
Beautiful are we
Fragile we are in moments of truth
Allowing our Filth and doubt
To be exposed not giving a damn what others think
From a different well is where we drink our personal fountain never ending Enduring and deep~
Beautiful are we
As we gaze into our eyes
Seeing eternity beyond the heavens, stars…..the sky’s~
Beautiful are we
Magnificent not being conformed
Loving our difference magnetic charm~
Beautiful are we
Wouldn’t you agree?
To behold two souls finally set free~
Beautiful are we
Both crazy as can be
Illness of our mind
Finally finding each other one of our kind~
Beautiful are we
Lunatics in many ways
Mere mortals secretly covet
To live just one of ours days~
Beautiful are we
Daring tempting fate
Praying to my God the heavens to never separate~
Beautiful are you my love for not stealing my beauty
Beautiful are we
So beautiful~
~My Effin Eulogy-My Epitaph~
My Eulogy, My epitaph
Can’t be written
Can’t contain
All the bullshit that Will remain
You know not about silence you have no clue~
You think art a weapon
Used by you?
Ha!
That is funny!
Think your self special my darling My honey~
I can spit out words faster than you think~
Faster than the bottle from ,Which you drink~
Don’t announce yourself to me
Tell me your ~I’m back”~
You’re the fire the lightening, Really is that a fact?
Or more bullshit you concote, Damn what a shock~
Not really your predictable you see?
If I want to see then I will, Otherwise should’ve let it be
Hacking my blog!
Think it’s cool?
All that college all that school, And to think I think you nothing more than a fool~
So you crack a code, Mix a spell,All that shit go to hell~
The jewel you found, Fascinated were you~
But you did see, That I can view, Things unseen, Feel you too~
I have a gift given at birth, Some say a blessing ,I often think it a curse~
So trend your words ,Algorithm and stride ,Get ready my Darling,For your big ride~
I could write and write, Forever you see especially,When it’s about you And me~
I’m lyrically gifted as well its seems, I take one simple word make it a dream……
Or a nightmare to frighten to scare To remind all who know me, Best beware~
There is not another you Know like me, but I know others exist….
I live in the know, Just as the tides ebb and flow~
Some say I’m a Cather of Catherism, no protest! But they do nonetheless~
My Tribe are the shaman, oracles of old.. Catherism….lights shine through the glass of a church like a prism~
Make others wonder how this is so, Art is no weapon!
Ha!
It’s a beautiful dance, It is what I am, What I will always be~
My epitaph~
My Eulogy~
I’m living,You see~
I forgot you know not, Blinded by ego~
A hurt that is fake, You go crawl the earth now, You scorpion snake~
#######
~Out of Stock~
Images do not play out as you expected in your mind
You search and no longer find
Me there……….
Here
Look at the photo stare
But you’re a coward
You wouldn’t dare
Take the chance
Trying to steal another glance
Into what do you look each day?
Do you ever pray?
Your alter’s sacrifice needs another offering
Perhaps next time think twice
Before you roll the dice
Stealing away thoughts
Just images is all that is left of me
I am a still shot in your mind
You look through your window
Two windows you see
But you can no longer see me
Only a thought
No longer sold
Can not be bought
Thought~
Not For Reproduction~
Bipolar Tapestry~Poetic Thoughts 