~Eradicating Rotting Existence~

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Fearless thy eyes doth search yet fear grips~

Hollow shell of thy existence doth shake still filled with entitlement~

Horrifying lies spew forth as distance grows believing in thy lies~

Spinning through tunnels off balance yet walking a line of deceit~

Doth thy mind play tricks?

Thy judgment mitigates causing confusion~

Hands held outward beckoning solidarity yet filled ? Thy crawleth cowardly through these corridors surely thy know thine way~

Inordinate perceptions flys high above far reaching yet right in front of thine~ah so beseeching~

Clenching thy fist forbearing actions tainted quickening haste and for what? Thy gain?

Equivocal form thy life disreputable~Hallow lacking luster,

Doth thy remain critical? Ah yes I see thy will always be~

Seeking this conspicuous conspiracy only digging thy hole deeper~

Abating others cruelly yet tormenting thy self thinking thine comfortable~

Deceitful apprehensions cloud over thy appetite, an endless appetite for destruction~`

That longs for the destruction desperate attempts are futile~

There stand abrading thy torment filled with hysterical laughter~

Gravely grotesque figure without form finding thy shape in shadows~

Endeavor enmity consumes thy needs, needing more and more~

Empty…empty gaunt~

Always left yearning~

Not meeting thy need~

Perpetually perplexing persecuting domination~

Thy frailty subdues all thy once knew, still knowing nothing but lies~

Nonsensical as it beckons thy near~

Further thy shell empties year after year a gaping hole is all that is left~

No Soul, well perhaps a bit of one, but stale and old~

Rotting thy heart sneering~

Yet you remain~

Hallow….ever more no release~

Not for Reproduction~

~The Chase~

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I’m not gonna chase you not anymore, I’m no longer praying you will Want to walk through My door to stay with me forever more ~

I’m not gonna chase you ,It’s not worth fight Or even the plight I see you now clearly in the light You will no longer invade my mind in the day and the night~

I’m not gonna chase you hoping you’ll see the precious amazing Thing that is me, you’re ignorant can’t you see, oh yeah that’s right you can’t see what is the magic the beauty of me~

I’m not gonna chase you it’s not needed, if this was real because if you felt as I felt you would feel as I feel~

I’m not gonna chase not anyone anymore I’m not gonna be some part time whore trust in this I’m worth much oh so much more

I’m not gonna chase you, Even when I hurt and I pray Eventually someone will see me for the beauty I am, in that moment too I will see the beauty in them~
So when you miss the bits and pieces others miss, remember you allowed me in, as I did you, Thinking somehow you would be true It will be your loss and my ultimate and eventual win~

As the sun rises in the east sets in the west the chase is over time to give it a rest. I know in my heart I’ve bewitched you and swim in your blood invade your thoughts and you will feel lost for testing this game you truly won’t ever be the same, as will I, won’t you see that it’s not really you now it’s really about me~

You’ll never forget me My touch my voice The sweat the heat Especially my name I knew in the beginning the rules of the game But I’m too old for games At this point of my life   I don’t need the pressure I don’t need the strife~

I’m not playing this game Not this time around or anytime other, I’m dropping out eventually I’ll find a true forever a real lover, The key that will fit to think I once thought you might have been it~

I’m not a temporary kinda woman, I’m a lady you see, I’m the stick to each other holding hands forever Against the grain of society Making my rules  I can’t stand Pre fashioned  People they are the fools~

Take heed in what I’m saying to you don’t let your vanity make you a bigger fool all that is vain ,Lives both in and out in the end all fades without a doubt then what are you left? A shell of a man, that couldn’t see once what he had in his hands.

Now go live your life in vain You’re not like me, you’re not the same and trust in this I’ll forget you and your name, you’ll find However you will never forget mine not now or forever Throughout time~

But thanks for the lesson Play chess oh the game I’ll never be the same  This is for sure Now watch as I leave As I walk away through The door~

~Ghost with The Most~NJM~

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I must say I’ve decided to keep my personal beetle juice after all he is the Ghost with the most, plus he can do cool tricks~ just Sayin~

~Coming Soon~

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I haven’t written in awhile and soon I will be writing about why. It is called 101 days of Hell~ and in more contemplative thoughts I’m working on how one can achieve happiness alone….. Yes I said happy and alone in one sentence and it feels good~

~Tangled Emotion~NJM~

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You Tangle my emotions

Tied them in a knot

Walked out my life leaving my heart to rot

As you slammed the door

I dropped to the floor

Getting stuck in the creases

Edges tathered torn

Grabbing for paper to write a letter….

But I am a typo

On written pages of life

With a message to convey

Not without perplexing one’s views

Part of the glitch

Some call me a bitch

Others a whore

Some say they need nothing more

I complete them

Impossible you see

If I can’t complete you

How the hell do I complete me

Tangled tied ripped upart, yet I’m still alive

Often I wonder is it chaos and tragedy on which I thrive

it’s all I know it’s how I survive go figure

~Preemptive~revised~

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Preemptive I suppose

I leave first

You silver tongue devil

You had me almost

But all of my life I stood by

With hope learning to cope

No more

Preemptive I am

Strike you down

Out of my sight

Purged from my mind

You can come to look

You will not find

Preemptive in love

Just as in war

I am a missile

I reach out so far

I’ll tear down your defenses

I close in on you all around

Slash your heart first

Never again it’s now

A curse

Laid upon me long ago

A trust can be broken only so many times

Am I confused unable to see

I breed in you and you breed in me

And we also bleed too!

Your deceit

Is a pool of my blood around your feet

My blood, my scars

No one can never cross far over my lines

Drawn in a particular way

So when I am done

I have the say

Preemptive

I can’t even make it a month

Thinking of what could be us

I see to much fault

You are not what I thought

Characteristics you portray

Soon fade away

So I jump out

Leaving you quickly

I can’t conceive

Why you can’t perceive

That I am no longer shackled

By love or sex

Well I’d like to think

Mortal coil craves

I’m human

I have my days

I’m preemptive

You wonder how you let go the best

It’s not you

It’s not a test

So go on your way

Give it a rest

Wait what did I just say?

Preemptive dear Darlin dear

Now feel the fate as it draws near~

~Moods 101~A Must read, especially Bipolar sufferers~

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Welcome to moods 101

Let’s hurry up, get this day done….

These stale corners of this life I live Days like these it’s hard to give… An inch, a mile,a simple smile. I lay in bed and mope awhile.
When emotions are sharp as a knife,And corners lose their curve,

It’s like a resounding screeching noise that sits on my last nerve.
These modes leave few to choose-The only way to try to win is instead to lose. Allowing the funk and muck to slosh all around, blocking out the environment and not allowing sound.
I will allow this feeling to slowly drain me dry, and somewhere in between each take I’ll stop to think and cry.
Then tomorrow like the miracle she always is, will unfold with moods anew… And all these crapy shitty moods will only be a few.

Does someone who is bipolar know that they’re wrong when they are verbally abusive and threatening during a manic phase?

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Well, I’m speaking of my experience.
No and yes.

When manic, your sense of boundaries are skewed. The filter that most individuals use and have in place cease to exist.

In the manic phase, mania takes on many forms. Strong hostility, as well as a viscous tongue can arise if provoked even the slightest by someone who at one time or another failed me, these fails will indeed rise to the surface.

With that I’ve never been dishonest with my words but verbally abusive would fit. What I would say was often very true about what I felt about things they’ve done. But it was said very harshly, and with viscous intent. The message I conveyed was not false , but was said in such abrupt disregard that it would leave its scar.

Threatening. I only threatened when I was threatened. By that I mean because I’m bi polar, and may be within a confrontation , statements ” like you need to take your meds”or “no one will believe you cause you crazy ” will set me off, especially since those words are meant to make me feel less than, and with ignorance. Which at that point I will zone into all character flaws of the said individual I’m in conflict with and rip them to shreds, at which point I can leave them speechless.

In short I must be provoked in order to act in such ways. Granted I’m more sensitive when manic. So if the person is aware of my state. Then all could be avoided. It’s all in the care, in the handling.

Most of those whom I’ve done this too, had in most cases abandoned me when I may have needed them most. And when they needed me most I was there for them in their time of need.This is why I’ve burned a few bridges. But if they were unsupportive of me after my diagnosis then those bridges need not be crossed again.
These are my experiences , the only thing I felt bad for was how I said it. How I said it, and my intent behind it. But I was never sorry for speaking the truth.
Written 16 Dec, 2013. Asked to answer by Marcus Ford.

NICK PLEASE READ~Nicholas~

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Nicholas your name means victory for the people.

Nicholas did you know I always said I would never have children. But along you came. I didn’t want to bring a child into a world I didn’t understand.

Nicholas do you know how special and beautiful your heart is? They’re very very few like you. Don’t ever be afraid to be different or worry what people think of you.

Nicholas you are wise far beyond years. Damn time my son, time can be so cruel. If I could go back I would be holding you safely as a child who is 2 yrs old bikie in mouth eyes so big with wonderment.

Nicholas do you want to be with me? Or has your mind been clouded. Remember Momma always said tell the truth, this includes two sides and your side. I know this is hard to understand but one day you’ll get it.

Nicholas the love I have for you is immeasurable and without any condition. I realize it can not be bought, no computers or games last forever, they fade… Love does not. Others will try to buy your love.

Nicholas things that happened should have never went down as they did. It is what it is. Life is gonna come at you quickly sometime and there is not a way to prepare.

Nicholas there are those who feed off another’s pain and suffering, why? Because all they know is pain and suffering. They no not the inner love that God gave to us. Somewhere in life theirs was stolen, or they did not come equip with it. Everyone is wired a bit differently.

Each day you’re away from me my heart dies a little.

My son I can’t live without you, it’s that simple. My only prayer is your mind is of its own not polluted by others agendas.

One day when you have a child you will better understand. Until then the only prayer I can utter to God is to keep you safe, around good people despite circumstances and mostly bring you back to me.

Nicholas I love you
Always
Your Mom

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Donnell Kerr  Christian~follows give me support on this very critical post!

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Donnell Margaret Donald KERR~
There is no easy way to put this

No easy way to say

But you all think you are a Christian in a comfy corner you pray~

While your own flesh and blood did you turn away~

Does Jesus not say, Whatsoever you do to the least of my children that I do unto you?

Yes I believe that has been written~


My son……your blood as a new born kitten, you turned your back to a blind eye did you give, Do you really think in heaven you’ll live?

You dress all fancy on Sunday and sing put on your holy face~

But the promise the Lord made to his children is he will wipe you out erase from the book of life you see

You all turned your back on Donnell’s son trust this is not about me.

So when you read Gods word you sing and you pray it’s the blood of the innocent for which you will pay~

He did nothing to you, or you, or you, but I can tell you’re all ignorant and have not a clue~No Holy Spirit abides within you!

Suffer not the little children… hmmmm….

You go about life as though your grandson/Son Doesn’t exist~

On judgement day you’ll feel the Lords fist slam down the book make you take a look., Hypocrite you see? Think you better than me? Than the rest? Time God puts you to the test~ or maybe give it a rest, nope it’s the contrary~

Hey your daughter Noel some call a fairy? I think you know what I mean some say a queen, but it is what it is, so she’s gay, did not your God make her that way? Yes I believe he did.

Hey she is cool with me but the Bible you read doesn’t accept that you see?

You can live free~

On time bought buy the blood~

Times running short~

And so is the love~

Those who reject others reject themselves in turn God also will reject you~

Not sure what bible you read, But you know not the creed.

You Judge and sit tight now~

Think it’s all right now~

Time has a way of making you complacent you see?like so many others, fake and a snake slither the earth~

Not sure why I write this for I do not curse, vengeance is God’s~

Perhaps I am a small instrument he used to keep you on track and not be confused.

God is not the author of confusion you see, I’ll always accept you, yet you have yet to accept me or my son~

Perhaps retribution has begun……

Turn the other cheek?

Turn away the meek?

The weak?

Helpless?

Well …you did!

He now is a young man

No longer a kid.

I write all this down~

It’s my therapy you see~

I advocate for breaking stigmas~

Breaking exclusiveness~

Bringing in inclusiveness~

For all who suffer affliction~

Both physical and of the mind~

I try to think myself kind~

I often fall short~

Trust I’m no saint that’s for sure~

But enough is enough I’m letting you …..now endure~

Forgive me for my in your face ways, but we all know the bill somebody pays~

Truly I strive to forgive I try to be courageous in how I now live~

Such as this is the case but I truly give thanks for Gods loving grace~

God’s grace abounds the utterance the sound of cries long gone from days long past~

To think at one time I thought Your sons love for me and his child might last~

I want to thank you for training up your child Donnell in the way he should go, so that when he gets old he will not depart from it.

So I write a lot in quiet I sit, no doubt I’m a sinner too,

But I’m sure I’m not a sinner like you~

Not for Reproduction~