I will begin to draft all popular post and roll only the post I feel need to begin to be heard~ Thank you.

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I will take my popular work and drafted it not be seen and run only the 1017 cypress excerpts, retribution, premise of my book, mostly DONNELL KERR POST… the bishop post my Momma’s post if I don’t see more support on these. It’s dear to my heart you read them, like them understand them, the pain in them and rejection in them. I follow you because I value you and your words. I like them. I need these to take prevalence. Thank you ahead of time for understaning . I mean these are serious post NO ONE should have to endure. Where is the empathy???where is the love from all you who follow me? These post hit home and have a story that is the catalyst that provoked my illness. Sure indeed these are the things that also inspire the writing you do love. It hurts that they’re just overlooked !

The post that roll after this are the ones I seek support and to educate all that read them. There are Also some really old post too from 2014, Thank you for your empathy understaning and support.

~Follow on Twitter~

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Hey followers don’t forget follow me on twitter! I don’t instagram nor Facebook. But I blog, write and tweet tweet! Follow

@Omegaalpha1

Thanks 

Also I’ll be on moments of clarity

On June 15th with Tiffany

106.1 Tampa bay!

See ya there!

~Gone Are The Days Of True Christians and True Churches~ Test Of Faith~

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So I recently spoke about returning to church. Before I expound upon that event and events after this I want to speak a bit about what is on my heart.

While in the hospital (baker acted) I met a girl, she was in there for a suicide attempt. Her arms were sliced both at the wrist and above where doctors normally take blood. Her cuts required stitches.

There is a sense of loneliness felt in situations such as mine, such as hers. You feel there is no one, its why people attempt suicide. Suicide is away to stop feeling alone, alone around others, alone in the crowd, alone even though you are around ones you love, even when they don’t return the respect are love you give freely.

I’ve written a bit about suicide. I’ve attempted it a few time in my life. I still feel it takes balls to try to truly take your life at your chosen time. Why? lots of reasons. As much faith I have in God, there will always be doubt about the after life, hell, heaven, reincarnation, so forth so on…..even the thoughts of “this is it” this life begins and ends period. This is where faith steps in.

So when the girl saw me crying she came to me, arms wrapped and stitched where she sliced them with a razor blade. She hugged me and held my hand when No One else did. I don’t have much to offer anyone at this point of my life, I am living in a soon to be foreclosed home, and I just found out Friday that my future ex cancelled my auto policy. I was listed as a driver. Nothing new, he uses these same attempts to crush me, to hurt me each time events similar such as these have unfolded the last 4 years, injunctions put in place like I am the one trying to hurt him, yet he takes and takes from me, all the times when he was down and at his lowest I lifted him up.. Hell I woke on the 10th of this month to no electricity. Not because the bill was not paid, oh no. I paid the bill, however it was in his name and he shut it down. Again nothing new.

I began to ask the girl why she attempted suicide, she shared her story with me. She would be homeless upon release from the hospital. She was in an abusive relationship, and it dissolved leaving her without a home for her and her dog and two bearded dragons name Slyvia  and Drako.

I then told her that she was welcomed to come to my soon to be foreclosed home. I was released before her. The next day my door bell rang. It was the girl. She had 140$ from her last paycheck, no job because of the events, no clothes except the ones on her back, and just a purse.

At first I felt apprehension. I didn’t really know her. I had large issues of my own to deal with. But I extended the offer she had nowhere to go, so I allowed her to stay.The following day I took her to the house where she used to live to get her things(There was only a few boxes) and her dog Bandit and her two bearded dragons. We loaded her belongings and her pets and returned to my home(soon to be sold due to foreclosure).

I thought to myself how in the hell will I feed us, I had limited funds and issues of my own to deal with. I still have the same issues to deal with. Go figure.

Four weeks later she was still here no job. I took her to the library daily to do applications online( pretty much every thing is done online today)I called the church many in fact. I found NO Church that would help her, no shelters. I couldn’t keep feeding her and allowing the extra electricity to be used.

I called the church I had been attending and the Pastor said and I quote “we can give her 100$ this would get her out of my home”. Wow. So I am going to drop her and her pets at a shabby hotel with no money except the 100$ the pastor gave to pay for the 2 nights to “get her out my home” wow right, just Great. I am dealing with my crap and her crap too. Awesome. Lets double worry Yay.

I awoke the next day called my sponsor from NA and she said “Nicole some things reach beyond you, you’ve done all you can, You must take care of you.” Made sense, I didn’t like the thought of what I needed to do. I had to tell her I could no longer help her I must focus on my situation and did not need the added stress.

So I informed her that I could no longer help her…She had no job and had a few interviews but no call backs. I prayed that day both with her and by myself for the strength and hopelessness of the situation. As I cried both for myself and her and her pets. I decided to call my sponsor for counsel once again. As I was crying and telling her how I felt the phone rang. I didn’t answer it, for I was on the phone with my sponsor.

The calls were two jobs, thats right two jobs offers for her. I had prayed with her that day, and that day something great happened, God came through at the last minute. She is at work now as I write this. The job is walking distance. I explained to her that she can stay here until she gets two paychecks to supplement that large offering( said with sarcasm} from the church, you know the one, that 100$.

So now the point of this story. I left churches like that back 18 years ago because I saw more and more materialistic endeavors, more worldly desires and a sense of hypocrisy.  The bible states clearly to be not of the world nor the things of the world…But More and more churches are now like businesses.Gone are the days of what Jesus had in mind when he said “do unto others as you want done to you, if your brother or sister need food feed them, if the need cloths, give them the shirt from your back. Be charitable be christ like. I don’t think Jesus had in mind that the big fancy church that I attended, where many wealthy people praised and worshiped “God” was his vision.  I originally thought when they knocked at my door “hey good christian people” however they were in a subdivision where my beautiful 250,000$ dollar home was, any many other bigger homes as well. The red flag didn’t occur until I began to think…..they were in a neighborhood where upper middle class live, where they can preach the spirit of tithing that 10% of your salary. No they were not in the projects knocking on doors, or poor neighborhoods. I suppose it finally hit me .They look for their kind, the kind that have money and can add riches to their pockets. Charlatans I believe is a suited term.

So I am back at square one. I still have faith in my God, notice I say my God…I don’t serve the God hypocrites serve. I am trying my best to help even in my hour of need.

What I am saying is that what Jesus had in mind was charity, love, sacrifice. Not building large churches that the rich can praise and worship a God that is not of Christ.

I texted the pastor today, I told him that the check they wrote for her to stay at the roach motel would not be cashed, that she actually got a job so I don’t have to “just get her out of my house”. I told him I have been faced with homeless situations of my own, and I could never do that to another human being although it seems many others can.

He Never texted back. I mean why would he, people such as myself and her represent the truth and sad situations that make Christians such as those uncomfortable. We tarnish their “all is prosperous and everything is perfect world”.

The Church is you, the Church is me. Want to be a missionary? Then look around right here in the USA! There is a need right here, you don’t have to travel to far to reach those in true need. Those souls out there that are ignored because their troubles make you uncomfortable, they are the truth that we would rather ignore.

Gone are the days of the true church, the charitable church. The funny thing is that St Timothy’s Catholic Church offered more help both to me an my friend and we have never attended their church.

Tomorrow, well actually today is Sunday, I will be in church right here in my home, and I will be tithing alright, my tithing will be the offering of my self to others in need.

I don’t know which God you serve, but I can tell you this I don’t serve a commercialized God, oh no, indeed I try and walk in a Christ like spirit, regardless of the trails I face both now and later. I hope for anyone reading this to come out of your comfort zone and remember that the message of Jesus was that of Love, acceptance, charity, helping those less fortunate.

Truly Gone are the days of a true Church, always remember you are the church, the temple of the holy spirit, the example. The greatest testimony is your life and how you live, how you give, how you love. That is what Jesus had in mind.

Be an example, be different, don’t worry about what others think of you, worry only about what counts. What counts in the end it is between you and God, so make your life and testimony count. Go be a missionary right in your town, city, your country.

That is faith, that is love, that is Church, now go live it. Pray, talk with God as you would talk with another human being. Yell if you must, lay your burdens down, always pray. Prayer changes things that need to be changed, and try to keep your feet upon the path God wants you to travel. Lord knows I’ve strayed enough.

Peace. God bless. NJM~

 

~I Could Have~

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I could stay here unmoved paralyzed
Caught between two places three faces
I could pray till my dying day
I could have so little or way to much to say
There are many things that could be done
Many battles to be won
But I always seem to surrender when it comes down to one ….. Battle
And they know, they know. Both warned. If one checked out the other left off. It could be that way forever
It could if I let it
It could if I would
It could because mostly both my life and my thoughts are misunderstood
It could be different if I chose
It could fade away I suppose
It could be this or it could be that
It could all be a matter of fact
It should
It could
It would
If only
Could

IMG_0130

IMG_0130-0

~ Undeniable~

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Disappearing into your gravity can’t help it,

Spinning awkwardly

You raddled my mind 

shaking my existence to the core

Yet in the place I am, I desire more

More than the justice lacking

The people slacking

Cyber hacking

Only a bleak

Shell of someone

Something

Happening

Hanging by a thread

Still Attached to the needle

Somehow the thread won’t sever won’t let go

Yet the needle will not yield

There is no shield to protect me

Look around what do you see

I feel I’ve fallen to the ground

Your voice bleak so low in the background

I am still here still in tact 

Yet Am I a useful artifact

I love, I feel,  I have been healed

Or so it seems

Perhaps this all

Was just a dream

One I can never awake 

Maybe it is me my heart is yours to take~

~Love & Hope Left the Building~For Real~

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There is a pain so deep the words escape my lips I have not uttered these words because they don’t exist.
My world has been torn and shredded for far to long and my head is full of hellish memories that won’t leave my mind alone.
Peace might come visit me but on a random schedule. No matter what day you see me out in public you would never know, because I wear my mask well. Smiling. Underneath crying.
For the very first time in my life all of the love, care, and selflessness all the good human qualities seem to be seeping out of me.
I cry out to God to take me, but I get no answer. So God where are you? If you read this and believe in God pray for me my life.
I’m not Robin Williams, not Whitney Houston, Prince or the latest tragedy. I’m like a storm out there in the nothingness brewing and has been for years.. If TIRED has ever been the only word to describe this or the condition of “can’t take no more.” Then how sad our human language is to not tap beyond boundaries to explore the truest meaning of that word. All I do is utter sounds as I cry out.
Oh death I care not of your sting! Sting the shit out of me, oh darkness go …….go gently in the night and take me with you, or give me courage to do as I’ve spoken of and thought of countless times.
I had many dreams and outcomes I once hoped for but after the scrutiny of this thing I call my life

All those dreams are dead as is my hope.
Call me a coward, pathetic or anything you wish. I don’t care I only wanted love just someone who loves me for me and wouldn’t hurt me but hold me. That does not exist. At least not in my world, not  as I need.

~Fragments of Life~ In Short Thoughts~NJM~

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“Thoughts of situations that have happened or may never happen. Some are in poetic brief statements. Others short stories, scenarios, entertained thoughts of mine I hope you relate to in some abstract form. This is a different style of writing I am attempting, I hope to engage all. I believe these fragments are yet to be, or already live between you and me

 

He drew in the smoke…watching the smoke that was not contained in his lungs wave and twirl. Slowly the pain went away.

Riveting! the chill spread up her spine, hair stood up on the back of her neck, and goose bumps covered her body.

Pressure from your hand crashed down through the glass obliterating it into a mini explosion of ice shards that sliced right through skin… I felt your need of me of each breath, each time you pressed again and again. Then circuits burned and all boards went down without messages needed to convey system failed. Even our binary was off beat. Not one code understood. Alone without value. Yet we stayed.

Spilt time puddled upon the floor of existence like a glass of milk pooled on the kitchen table waiting… To be cleaned up.

“He was so sick of having to check his blood glucose, so sick of needles, the infusions sets, and the carb counting, he was sick of being so different.”

There is a vessel of emptiness waiting to be filled by a presence so extraordinary that to contain it is not possible, yet to walk with it most probable furthermore destined.

Up head the distance revealed an alluring shadow likened to a darkness of smoke rather than of a shadow when examined closer. I indulged the illusion by complete acknowledgement only to be aware it wasn’t an illusion but you. Forces of nature gathered the four corners blowing the winds that crashed gracefully upon the shores as the sun burned brightly reflecting diamonds glistening in the sand retracting in your eyes.

Hands of precision tickling the tips of your split apart fingers reaching …Eyes that meet with twinkles and the awkward yet unfolding uniqueness of possible new love. Butterflies blossoming in my abdomen feeling like taking flight could be possible, as the moment etched further into their minds burning singeing in their hearts memories that live forever and he kissed her. Her first kiss.

She gurgled a scream that could be heard for a mile. The madness of her reality split. Vengeance seeped into her veins. She will never be the same.

Fragments of each other all scattered over our flesh our mind. Nanoparticles mixed by the human touches and shared thoughts, that’s what we are fragments, and I love each fragments each frame and all especially the stills. Captivating.

The psychiatric said to him, You have bipolar disorder. He looked baffled, no mental illness ran in his family. In a daze he stared back at the doctor… Thinking I won’t live like this. What will everyone say, the stigma, it’s already too much I can barely function.

“Couldn’t have been that profound if it didn’t stick.”

I often dream of far away places and far away faces obscure and unfriendly, and I can’t seem to wake up.

Swear we were packed like a can of sardines in that car, but it didn’t matter we were happy just to be there

I watched as the sky blossemed into a live picture show above the horizon slowly revealing itself inch by inch rising as it painted the canvas of the sky, the illumination grew stronger it was a sunrise to remember.

They yelled “sinner! Murderess! You’re killing your unborn child. Specters claiming to be Christians judging her as she walked closer to the clinic doors. The door seemed a mile away, she couldn’t help but shrink away inside and pray….God help me.They judged her. But yet call themselves Christians. If that’s Christianity I want no part of it.They judged her. But yet call themselves Christians. If that’s Christianity I want no part of it. Then climbed upon the examination table.

I got in!!! I got in!!! As he ran into his clique of friends. Waving his acceptance letter to the university that would pave his way to his unknown future.

Her legs dangled from the edge of the bed. Feeling all hope gone. Wondering if heaven and hell exist will God let her in… She swallowed the pills three by three and uttered  “Father, Son, Holy Spirit” looking down the bottle empty, as empty as she felt. The loss was too much. slowly consciousness slipped away.

I threw your little body up up into the air as you softly landed into my arms and I pulled you close. Your smell, your small hands your eyes big in wonderment looking at me… I was enveloped by your love my angel from God.

I narrowed in and lowered my knees just enough to give me the angle and sprint needed for an effortless beautiful dive.I swam to the edge of the pool looked up and it was you, we both smiled.

He was the object of her desire. He loved knowing this. Tormented her at times. Like Dangling carrots. Winds of change blew in and her heart finally desired someone who desired her back. He was left in the wake of her tides as she drifted away at sea farther from him and closer to the one to be her true lover. Regret festered in his desire at that moment.

At the speed of snail I passed your house. The wind blew harshly by. I stared hoping to catch a glimpse of you. I would have settled for the family dogs appearance. But you’re gone… And I wait like a fool believing you will return.

 

“Does our absolute rise beyond infinity or does it die when we do?”

 

“Sometimes I’m so tired of all of it I just feel like settling.”

 

Laying down eyes closed listening to the crackles of leaves beneath your feet and the trickle of the distant stream near by, my mind wanders, I can only imagine what we would do behind closed doors.

 

You’ll drive I’ll shoot. We’ll be a modern day Bonnie and Clyde. Naw Micky and Malory instead, what’s your thoughts?

The car door slightly open as one foot dangles in and the other out. Turning the key  in the ignition I stop and grin thinking about you and I’m positive you’re grinning too thinking bout me, aren’t we just the two?Me and you.

 

She eagerly waited like a kid waiting to open a gift for his call. Listlessly she hung her body on the end of the bed, half on half hanging off. A despair that was crawling in her. Then it rang. Her heart jumped and she sprung for the phone,  “Hey how you doing “His voice came across the line….. what he doesn’t know is she wasn’t doing nothing but hurting thinking he may not call. If he knew how she intense she felt he would call early on purpose….. But stubborn she’ll keep grim self deprecating sides to herself.

 

Mosaic of memories and pieces of a life kept in frames upon the shelf  but not kept in order randomly arranged.

 

Can I be a part of your Life time? and all the ones in between……..

Finally She ran into him. After years there he was on the same grocery isle as me only feet away. Years she thought in the same town, same small town. There eyes met but she quickly looked away. It was too much as tears puddled in corners of her eyes she felt a hand on her shoulder, he finally found the courage to tell her, speak to her… Was it too late? The pain to much? Her heart said “not this time. Your moment of extraordinary has arrived.” Let him in.” So she looked at him then to the ground as tears flowed. He lifted her chin to look at him. That was all it took. Forever began.

Not for Reproduction~NJM~

 

~My Son~

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My Son life is gift and You are a gift to life~
My Son take care of yourself love yourself respect yourself and others will respect you~
My Son you will grow up and become a man never lose your inner child~
My Son you will win some and lose some don’t let the loss make you bitter but instead let it make you stronger~
My Son there is a God, we come from something bigger than us, give thanks and know God and angels watch over you~
My Son there will come a day that someone will let you down don’t lose your faith~
My Son there will be those who will lie about you, always do your best to tell the truth~
My Son you will fall in love one day remember love takes time to grow don’t jump in head first learn to understand each other to grow together~
My Son people say there is one great love in everyone’s life but remember that true love is immeasurable and to love alone is great~
My Son you will have many acquaintances and meet many people however you likely will have one true friend care for that friend and be there for them as I pray they will be there for you~
My Son you will meet many who are in need throughout your life do your best to be charitable learn to give~
My Son you will see many things in life that are unfair but do your best to not judge and know life eventually evens the score~
My Son you will come across others who are miserable and rude learn to be kind don’t take it personal be and example~
My Son don’t let other’s influence your thoughts learn to think for yourself~
My Son there will come a day where you will be afraid be brave and overcome~
My Son there will be those who will tell you are not good enough, know your value never sell yourself short~
My Son you will face the impossible in life don’t let it stop you , every dream can become a reality strive and press on and always do your best make your dreams come true I have faith in you~
My Son be different don’t conform stand out from the rest, stand tall, stand proud~
My Son there will be times in life to be humble, learn from this, understand this, grow from this~
My Son you can not save the world but you can make your area of the world a better place, care for mother earth the beautiful animals and those who have less than you, respect what you have been given take care of what is given you and greater things will come your way~
My Son not everyone is afforded the opportunity to understand and be educated learn to have patience learn to teach~
My Son you will grow older and people will die, we all die, still live life to the fullest~
My Son when I die and you need me after I’m gone know that a part of me is always there in your heart and in your mind that energy never dies it only changes form and I will see you again one day~
My Son you’re the greatest gift in my life I’m sorry for the times I’ve fallen short know I did the best I knew how that I love you always you are my heart, you are my reason, You are my Son~
Not for Reproduction~NJM~

~The Price of Freedom~

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Dedicated to Kiffer Baldeo

Often in life you have heard many people, grandparents, mothers, fathers, even friends tell you nothing is free.

There is one thing that truly is free, the love of God, the acceptance that God freely gives you without conditions. But for humans we all have conditions, damn those conditions right? I mean think about this at this moment, we all have conditions we feel must apply in some way, fashion, form, in order for us to accept those which we feel  love us, owe us, in order for us to give our stamp of approval, to give our love back. Our sense of entitlement.

But true Freedom is not just found spiritually speaking, but also in having nothing left to lose. It is within the element when you have nothing left to lose, you are in a position to gain, that is if you have not broken the law, in which case freedom is not attainable at least not the kind others have, don’t get me wrong some of the freest people are actually incarcerated. It is in the element of nothing left to lose, nothing that can be taken from you, that is true personal freedom beyond the spiritual aspect.

My illness has brought much heartbreak, loss, but from the loss I’ve attained the ability to pick myself up and realize that indeed I  have lost all, and not once, but several times, but each time I hit the bottom the one thing I still have is freedom, choice, through the loss I am therefor free. I have no where to go now, I am at the bottom. But the beauty of this freedom is the powerful Will to rise above and restore that which was lost, by God’s grace and sheer determination, to pick myself up. Yet even more beautiful is the recognition now given to me from the experience of loss. Freedom at its primitive state is nothing to lose, and everything to gain.

I am near ground zero, close to the bottom, but through my illness and the creativity it provides, I can see that light ahead, I can envision a future built upon the freedom of the loss I have endured. Will this be easy, hell no. Nothing lasting and tangible is attained easily, for if it were the appreciation of such attainment would fade rather quickly, only leaving a yearning for more than you already have, which you are not appreciating. If you were appreciating it you would be caring for it and thanking God and life daily for the battle fought, the journey traveled to get to the point you’re at.

Bipolar is often a self deprecating illness and unfortunately without a cure. But the most powerful resource one can implement in the journey of recovering is a strong support system, something I have not had in the last 6 years. Bipolar in manic phase is lunacy at its worse, creativity at its best, and somewhere in between its both. Seldom does a day go by that I have at least one radical thought, as well as a bleak thought. But if a good support system is in place, someone to bounce these thoughts onto it truly makes an enormous difference. I have started to see a new psychotherapist who asked me to write a letter each week to someone that I have felt harmed me, an event that has changed me. Then she wants me to target into the one feeling that sums it up that I get after reading it. Not like the basic shallow Angry or hurt, but like the event left me with rejection, or fear. I am looking forward to working with her, and suggest to any one who is living with bipolar to seek out a therapist that will challenge you to go beyond the demons that plague your mind, in so doing, you will pave the way to freedom in your mind as well as purge the abuse you may have endured.

See for me they’re some days that anxiety grips my mind it feels like someone is sitting on my chest and I have trouble catching my breath, my body and soul feel fragmented .But I pray upon waking, giving my burdens to God. slowly I take my cement legs and put on my cement shoes (because I feel like cement is on my feet as I go to tackle another day). Each day unfolds differently. Every waking hour I do my best to forget yesterday(although others won’t in regard to me or my actions) To try not to think about tomorrow, because none of us are granted a tomorrow, but to stay in this day. When I don’t do this, or practice this, when one I have one foot is still in yesterday and the other foot in tomorrow I wind up pissing all over the present day. Lord knows I need not do that. In fact if you stop and think about it, this is true for everyone.

Now there are those who Will say “set goal, make plans” I do, I set reasonable goals, but in order to successfully reach these goals, these dreams I must strive to stay in this moment, this day. Truly it is the first step to healing and to maintaining those things you would love to see come to fruition. A step to freedom of ones self and your mind.

Look, Bipolar sucks, but I will not allow recents events to silence my quest to advocate for the awareness and compassion needed by society to treat those afflicted with mental disability no different than those suffering from a terminal illness. We are just as ill as a cancer patient or any other incurable illness.

Truthfully so many of the mentally disable are not diagnosed because of stigma, fear and judgement or rejection.. As stated previously working with a new psychologist which gives me a great new angle and approach to dealing with many repressed memories and purging the abuse out of my mind in a very unique way,thus allowing freedom to encompass my present quest to stay free in all things. Not allowing the past dominate my future.

Even when you fall get up quickly, become the true creative warrior you are, fight the good fight, stand up for the cause. So when our children who may be diagnosed with a mental disability face society they will be treated as any other individual with a terminal illness, which is with kindness and concern, not with the hate, indifference, and ridicule those of us face in society at the present time.

Finally, find you, find your inner child, and the person that you were meant to be somewhere under all the shit that we must deal with on a day to day basis, grow from our struggles, push forward when faced with hate or rejection. Keep your Will strong, fight the good fight, be an example for others who suffer  from bipolar or any other mental disability. Mostly find your freedom, many times at rock bottom is exactly where ALL of US need to be from time to time, for growth, for appreciation of the things entrusted to us, those very things we ignore and don’t care for as we should, but instead let it whither away. This includes not just the upkeep of our illness, but all things entrusted to us, our kids, our home, being an example to raise the standard and step out from among the rest. In doing this you Will find your freedom, your peace both in spirit and in mind.

Find your voice, find your freedom~

Always remember this rule, to go on to greater things you must first love and take care of the things you have, then and only then Will greater things come your was. Keep your Will strong.

Please be willful with intent~

~NJM~

 

~Exit Door~

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Dry as a bone

Like a corpse

This is me

Tired 

Of the struggle

Courage where is thy hand

Exiting quickly

No lingering

Of prayer

Belief of Polarity

Do you feel this way too

Wretched life

Don’t flatter yourself

It’s not just you

On my mind

A culmination 

Decrepitude

The post 

Over & over

Hit target audience

Hell just hit the target

I’ve not figured

What target I must hit

Where is thy love my Lord

I don’t feel anything 

My mind is a Blu Ray

All shitty memories

Won’t go away

The memories sit 

Festering

Calling to me

Exit………..