~ Letting Go~

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You were there

Now you’re gone
You were there
I swear. Fading now like a distant dream. Memories blurry.
You stood watching for so much time
Circumstance like waves washed you upon my shore. When my eyes met yours I prayed to look into them more.
You ‘re fascinated . You ‘re transfixed . You never thought I knew all along it was you.
You were there.
Creeping, staring, almost daring.
I was living my life, guarding my truth.
But I slipped and fell and you were there. So was I
I was there, I came to know of the one who has watched me from long ago, even unto now. I was there, I’m aware. I thought you should know
It’s not poetic or even a plight. I lay down my sword now, I no longer fight. For what I think could have been, perhaps never will doesn’t matter what, I’ll love you still
Walking away now, trying not to looking back. I have to move on and stay on track.
The tracks changed for us months ago. So I’m asking politely to simply let go.
I’ll know, When you go piece a of me lives deep you in ,As you will know too, inside of me is a piece of you.
God Speed~
Not for Reproduction~

~Personal Bipolar blurbs of thoughts~NJM~

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~When you live in a world where everyone is trying to prove their point the point will most always be lost~

~Never say Never Ever~

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Never say never or never will come knocking on your door, maybe not today, or next week or next year, still you ache the fear of Never….oh the trepidation the human condition~
Never is unwanted ….mostly however visiting is something never will do to me, will do to you. So please never say never~
It’s the bones of skeletons you dance with and sleep with in the back of your mind~
Never is that closet locked away, so jumbled that one inch of the door opening it would tumble out pouring all the crap all the hurt all the rejection you Never wanted.. yet you have, you did, ever since you were a kid~
Never is the fear of ever as ever is the fear of never canceling each other yet suspended in a harmonious dance

with karmatic presence and essence of all lessons….. the ones that pick and stick and prick and cut stabbing away chipping the dirt, debis

……. you don’t have the broom to sweep in under the carpet

You don’t even have carpet it can’t be rinsed or washed away why? Cause Never is here to stay…it Never goes away,it never dies~
So never say never or expect that knock on your door now and evermore. Never is as sure as Ever and together they’re an unbeatable team at least that is how it always seems~
Never say never~Ever……

~ You Were~You Are~You Will~Son~

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You were written in my story before I was created

You were sent to bring the love that few often find

You came to teach me many things of which I am still learning

You have this quietness that takes secrecy to another level

You have laughter like no one else and it comes from deep within

Health issues have afflicted you yet you overcome

You have seen ugly that no one should see yet you chose to find the beauty

You create your own world that keeps you safe when safety seems far from reach

You stay silent and still when the moment calls for it

You have fear around you, but God did not give you the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind

You speak up and understand right from wrong and are not afraid to be the voice of reason when you feel brave enough, I understand and know you have been bullied I have been too

You are brave enough; you just don’t know it yet

You are torn in different directions, and I yearn to change this each waking day

You adapt quickly just as I did, life called us to be this way, you blend in when needed

You deserve better than you have received, not in regard to gifts but in regard to consistency and safety I intend to change that

You are confused because things don’t seem right at times yet it remains as it is

You possess the bloodline of a noble namesake and it is why I promised my Dad if I ever had a son, I would carry on his name in honor

You are honor; you are majestic beyond that which can be explained

You will come through this a tougher human a stronger man but with the measure of kindness that will be needed when it is called for

You are slow to speak, in fact you are a son of little words, but when you speak your words are beautiful and timely

You have relatives that share your blood yet they are cowards you are not like them you are not a coward

You are noble and above the superficial and this is what will save you in the end

You miss me, I miss you but this too shall pass

Until then I pray the only influence you have is of Devine origin, straight from God and Angels that encompass you, and as I instructed and did with you each day, I pray you remember each day to pray

You have great reward and favor blessed upon you

You are an angel and I am better because you came into my life

I will never let you go, I will allow God to help me yield, to lead my path

That path leads to you and each and every day I am one step closer

You are my son and I love you

~NJM~

~Anonymous Quotes~

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A Servant is a Master in Disguise~Someone wise~

NICK PLEASE READ~Nicholas~

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Nicholas your name means victory for the people.

Nicholas did you know I always said I would never have children. But along you came. I didn’t want to bring a child into a world I didn’t understand.

Nicholas do you know how special and beautiful your heart is? They’re very very few like you. Don’t ever be afraid to be different or worry what people think of you.

Nicholas you are wise far beyond years. Damn time my son, time can be so cruel. If I could go back I would be holding you safely as a child who is 2 yrs old bikie in mouth eyes so big with wonderment.

Nicholas do you want to be with me? Or has your mind been clouded. Remember Momma always said tell the truth, this includes two sides and your side. I know this is hard to understand but one day you’ll get it.

Nicholas the love I have for you is immeasurable and without any condition. I realize it can not be bought, no computers or games last forever, they fade… Love does not. Others will try to buy your love.

Nicholas things that happened should have never went down as they did. It is what it is. Life is gonna come at you quickly sometime and there is not a way to prepare.

Nicholas there are those who feed off another’s pain and suffering, why? Because all they know is pain and suffering. They no not the inner love that God gave to us. Somewhere in life theirs was stolen, or they did not come equip with it. Everyone is wired a bit differently.

Each day you’re away from me my heart dies a little.

My son I can’t live without you, it’s that simple. My only prayer is your mind is of its own not polluted by others agendas.

One day when you have a child you will better understand. Until then the only prayer I can utter to God is to keep you safe, around good people despite circumstances and mostly bring you back to me.

Nicholas I love you
Always
Your Mom

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~The Truth of Lies~

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I’ve endured loss. Twice I’ve been lied to. I’ve been lied to by two separate people.
Lies produce loss and a breakdown of trust.
This time I did not retaliate. I stepped back. I thought of the innocent that is Involved. I panicked at first, but decided to stay calm.
I’ve lied. So have you. We all have. We saw others do so, in our observation we learned to deceive and lie. We were not designed to lie, but the world taught us.
Upon the knowledge of these lies
I went against all I normally do. Being bipolar can make you impetuous. The first 24 hrs were the hardest.
Will I even confront them? No. I will speak one day to them. Tell them I know of their lies.
I will remember we are all Gods children. Some believe this others don’t. I chose to believe this.
Hasty actions produce destruction and broken people. I’m trying to recover what is left of me and rebuild from there.
This means to reflect, something I don’t do enough of. I like to think I do.  Like anyone else I want to be happy, don’t you?
My significance is not measured by yours. My happiness is not measured by yours. But my truth is mine and I strive to not compromise this.
We all have a value system. I think my highest value is in honesty, yet I’ve been dishonest with others before in my life. Go figure.
Jesus said “he who is without sin cast the first stone” how many stones will you cast today. How many will you judge?
I will strive to take different approaches , to not let others dishonesty become mine. I hope to not allow them to hurt me again. I pray I also don’t hurt others.
Lies and honesty comes with a cost, the catcher is you decide how much the bill will be~

~Kismets Dance~Lovers Eternal Dance Part 2~

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Will not be denied
Ignored, nor exploited~

Represent with respect
Keep your intentions in check~

Takng caution as not walk the same path~ I expect this time love Will last~

Quiet the mind~
Hoping to find~
Someone kind~

Refuge is obscure but can be found
both up above as well as the ground~

Learning to be quiet is to not make a sound~
To hide away~
Never be found~

You unravel me, trying to coerce my heart, Beckoning me to play the part
Your style and finesse is likened unto art~

But you need to be informed that I can not be bought~Traded or bartered, I’m your plant that needs to be watered.~

I will not sell out, nor walk in fear
The fruition of what is us is now drawing near~

An eclipse of circumstance
Longing closure Kismets dance~

This dance is not quick, oh no it Will stick, Around dancing and swaying to our cosmic sound.. Orbiting, Resonating

More than chance to finally dance
Indeed it’s time to dance my love
To dance~

So no more hiding away come out of dark corners and with me stay~

I’m finding it hard to live each day
I’ve walked hell and high water wouldn’t you say?

Silently pray~
For you~
For us~
For them~

Indeed we must share
longing and separation
Causes despair~

Nonetheless together we’re an unbeatable pair~

Demi Gods among mortals
Desiring our skill~ only time Will tell Wouldn’t you say, or is it merely skill that Will flow with love never wanting to kill~
They long for a moment to Experience our thrill~

Always more than by chance to meet Yet again to fulfill Kismets Dance~

Let’s Dance
I’ll put on my red shoes as Bowie would say~
You put on your suit and tie
Then dance this dance until we both die…
Still never saying goodbye. Eternally~

Not for reproduction~

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~Listen Closely~Important~

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It’s best to now switch to twitter to keep up with me. Go to @Omegaalpha1 or it @Alphaomega1? Try see not sure lol

That’s where I’ll be if you want to HEAR me~

God speed to all~ signing out~

~More of DAR last Will and Testament~5/17/2014 4 damn years…. wait it’s a 4! (Inside joke) 4 is lucky happy Godly ~~truly~

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More of his text to my son and me, from May, 17th 2014. For the record if you ….and you know who are..keep trying to use my mental disability against me. When my Lawyer and I are finished with you, the truth of your illness’s will be revealed, notice the plural on illness. Bulimia, Alcohol dependency,Lies, Thieving, anger issues…to name a few.

So it may appear things are in your favor for now, however, if God be for us/me then who can be against us/me.