~What Does It Feel Like To Have Bipolar Disorder~

What does it feel like?
Like any illness in general it sucks.
Why? There is no cure.

When I first received my diagnosis I stayed in denial for about 2 years.
I mean who wants that stigma right?
Both my parents suffered enough with the illness, so early on I swore “not me” “I’m not gonna get it
Majored in Psychology to gain a better understanding , while earning my degree , I had my first bout. It was after finishing statistics in psychology.

I’ve been up and down all my life. Looking back I most likely lived with it for the better half of my life. The traits that others found endearing, such as boundless energy, the life of the party, ideas that were radical, spontaneous, whimsical, rhyming, the abuse of drugs, Was all cool and fun.

As I got older those traits turned from endearing to dark, and bold, and brutal.
Believing yourself to be a superhuman of sorts is not realistic. But I did believe this. I also believed many other non truths while in mania.

The low, the depression, it was real bad. So much so that suicide was a close friend of mine that I romanced often. Attempted twice. Hospitalized against my will because of it. Even wrote a large essay about suicide and how it is actually courageous and in no way selfish. I rationalized this by turning the selfish element on to those who would miss me, as being the selfish ones. And truly I still see it that way.
The only reason anyone wants you around them, although some may claim love, it’s that they need you, they want you. In that alone arises their selfish desire of needing you to stay here. I realize that this is a polluted thought , but it rings true to me.

Bi polar disorder skews reality, it blurs the lines, and we don’t always use nor have the same filter as those not afflicted with this disease of the mind.

But I always remind those who will listen that some of the greatest minds were afflicted with this disorder this disease.
Here is a link to see for yourself the list of many famous minds:

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/L…
In short it’s a slippery slope, full of wonderment,  energy, lows, depression, delusional thoughts. Sometime more creative, other times completely destructive. That’s what it’s like.

16 thoughts on “~What Does It Feel Like To Have Bipolar Disorder~

  1. For me its an inundation of thoughts frag ment ed. Swirling around fast like a cotton candy machine. I’m that cardboard wand and my thoughts are the stringy fluff that wraps around that flimsy piece of paper masquerading as a strong stick. I’m not strong but I am cushioned by a multitude of confectionery thoughts. Not even one that I will finish because I cant follow it. But I can embrace the cotton as a whole and after deciding to wash the dishes at 8am I finish finally at 3am. There were literally 47 things I seemed to have started in the meantime. Then I’m Tired As Fuh. And that’s one day looking into the window of my bipolar. This window of mine. It’s also draped by Borderline Personality curtains I can never seem to open enough to look back thru my window.

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  2. Pingback: Bipolar: Are you tough enough? - black dog pie: a magazine on depression and bipolar

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