~The Depressive Side of Bipolar~

There are two modes of bipolar 1, as well as bipolar 2. In fact in all bipolar diagnosis you have two modes. Some of the bipolar labels have mixed modes which means being hypo manic and depressed at the same time.

I can remember clearly at the beginning of my diagnosis waking up feel grand happy, beyond happy, only to feel like suicide may be the only answer later in the day.
I’ve written a piece of what a manic episode feels like. I’m going to try to give you what the depressive episode feels like.
Unlike depression which is another form of mental illness, bipolar depression although similar is more severe.
So let’s begin. Please keep in mind these are my experiences.
It’s a subtle sneaky liar that begins softly in the mind, growing into a monster within hours. The littlest things can evoke tears and regrets and fears that on a scale of 1-10 it’s an 11. Which means it’s beyond the norm,
What I mean by littlest thing is the catalyst can be just the loss of something, something you feel certain you put there, such as a book or a your shoes. Why surely I remember clearly that’s where I put them!
Truth be told I just think that. Because later the item will be found. The item may often be very close by where I thought I put it, and as though I have blinders on I simply am not registering it’s right in front of me.
This begins the tail spin,then thoughts begin, you know all the reasons why everything is not right how could it be I absolutely know where I put this item, this thing.Obviously I didn’t. It seemed as though I did put it there, not the case.
The thoughts continue and start to make me feel stupid hopeless and disillusioned by all injustice I feel exist in the world.
Next my thoughts take me to what I like to call the exit door. The exit door is basically suicide. Thoughts seem to rationalize that being non existent will solve all problems I’m incurring. Not being around anymore I don’t have a meltdown and this sounds like a good idea, or at least at the moment it does.
I will lay down and begin what call the stages of loss. Anger, disappointment, the “Why me” syndrome, finally arriving at the fact that I’m afraid. Afraid of what you ask? The unknown, the lack of courage to carry out the task of going through the exit door. Yes, I just used the word courage. I wrote a long piece of why suicide takes courage. In order to understand you would not only need to read that piece, but be me, think like me.
This mode can last for only hours, a day, sometimes days. Then just like a snap of a finger abracadabra bam it’s all good again, life is ok and onward I go.
Normal reaction by those not afflicted with bipolar reach depressive states in extreme loss. Loss such as death of a loved one, a terminal illness that will take a life quickly ( by the way bipolar is indeed a terminal illness and can indeed take life away) a loss of a pet, breaking up with a lover or spouse, losing a job, these are a few examples. However for me and my reaction the normal (by the way define normal…. Yeah exactly) reaction is I thrive under real pressure or loss.
My experience with the lows of bipolar may differ from yours, I’m here to share, to educate, communicate, and break the stigma. In order to do so we all must share. Find your voice share let’s compare then let’s see where we can all go from there. Thank you to those who took the time to read this.

38 thoughts on “~The Depressive Side of Bipolar~

  1. Love that you shared your experience. It takes courage to do this and I admire you for it. I was just diagnosed with bipolar depression and I’m trying to find myself so I appreciate you being so informative.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Interesting experience. Thanks for sharing. My psychiatrists have always labeled hypomania + depression as agitated depression or dysphoric hypomania and it hasn’t been mixed until I have enough manic symptoms for it to be mania. I know they changed stuff in the new DSM though. Do you know if they changed that? My last really bad episode was a week of mania followed by an extreme depression. It was right after my son was born and I started hallucinating. Not fun.

    Liked by 1 person

      • That was my only experience ever hallucinating. Hormonal fluctuations, having a sick demanding baby, not getting any sleep, and recovering from a c-section were a perfect storm. This didn’t happen with my oldest.

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  3. Great blog, and I can relate.. I have bipolar my self. And f`d my life up probably for the last time since my girl can take it no more… It`s a sad illness. But I don`t want to give up!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Thank you so much for sharing! I love reading about other people’s experience with this disease, and I am hopeful that with so many people stepping out of the shadows, and sharing their experiences that the stigma on mental illness will end!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I am bipolar 1 mixed (with rapid cycling) and I can relate to this so much. I just came out of a severe depressive episode about a week ago only to fall right into an even worse agitated type manic episode. Luckily, that only lasted a few days. I’m definitely going to follow your blog. If you can check mine out, and follow. I have a lot of my own personal bipolar stories on mine and I am going to be adding my manic episode soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. This is so true !!
    I’m very down and have been foe 2 weeks I have my drs on Thursday I’m hoping he does something. He upped my dose to 200 but don’t feel any different . Hope u feel bit better .

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  7. Thanks for sharing I am also Bipolar more in a Depressive episode. I had two relapses in the past month or so. It’s been difficult being hit so hard and hitting the reset button again. I will get there. Hope you are well. ttys

    Liked by 1 person

    • I did stop and look and read your most recent post. How true! Move on quickly from negativity or you became prisoner.
      I had many negative things hold me back. Unrequited love was one.
      I had to let go.
      I am at peace now.
      Daily prayer meditation
      Exercise
      Taking my meds
      Work.
      I find valuable
      .thank you for a great post!
      I didn’t see where I can like it?
      But I’m glad you reached out and my words touched you as yours did mine

      Liked by 1 person

    • I do some much damage during mania. If there was a happy medium it would be great, but then it wouldn’t be call bipolar… sorry life is down I feel you, been in a fog depression for about 6 months now.

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  8. I can completely relate to Bipolar Depression and agree it is 1,000,000 bazillion times worse and more severe and debilitating than other types of sadness or depression. I have Bipolar 1 with rapid cycling as well as mixed episodes and PTSD. Sometimes my PTSD triggers my depression other times it could be absolutely nothing and my brain chemistry just decided to take a nose dive down the spiral staircase to hell to the deep dark underground of my grave. I have suicidal depression as well and can relate to what you have described. If you want to read my blog I have some posts related to my suicidal depression if you ever want to read them as I think reading other similar experiences helps us a lot to know we are not alone.Here are a couple of my links… https://myloudbipolarwhispers.com/2016/10/28/suicide-inside-my-lonely-insane-asylum-brain/
    https://myloudbipolarwhispers.com/2016/11/16/i-just-survived-a-weekend-of-bipolar-hell-thank-you-god/
    Thank you for your post. It helped me a lot. Hugs.

    Liked by 2 people

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