~Love & Hope Left the Building~For Real~

There is a pain so deep the words escape my lips I have not uttered these words because they don’t exist.
My world has been torn and shredded for far to long and my head is full of hellish memories that won’t leave my mind alone.
Peace might come visit me but on a random schedule. No matter what day you see me out in public you would never know, because I wear my mask well. Smiling. Underneath crying.
For the very first time in my life all of the love, care, and selflessness all the good human qualities seem to be seeping out of me.
I cry out to God to take me, but I get no answer. So God where are you? If you read this and believe in God pray for me my life.
I’m not Robin Williams, not Whitney Houston, Prince or the latest tragedy. I’m like a storm out there in the nothingness brewing and has been for years.. If TIRED has ever been the only word to describe this or the condition of “can’t take no more.” Then how sad our human language is to not tap beyond boundaries to explore the truest meaning of that word. All I do is utter sounds as I cry out.
Oh death I care not of your sting! Sting the shit out of me, oh darkness go …….go gently in the night and take me with you, or give me courage to do as I’ve spoken of and thought of countless times.
I had many dreams and outcomes I once hoped for but after the scrutiny of this thing I call my life

All those dreams are dead as is my hope.
Call me a coward, pathetic or anything you wish. I don’t care I only wanted love just someone who loves me for me and wouldn’t hurt me but hold me. That does not exist. At least not in my world, not  as I need.

12 thoughts on “~Love & Hope Left the Building~For Real~

  1. I don’t know what to say…
    It’s obvious from this post that you are suffering greatly, and I have suffered too, though not the same way, I’m sure.
    The only thing I do know, even after making an attempt on my own life, is that somehow life is worth it – even if it is just for yourself.

    Like

      • I hate that feeling. Is it one of those things that people are around and yet you can’t feel the connection or even comfortable around those people? I hate that feeling…
        Or are you physically alone? Like no one is around you at all?

        If it’s any consolation, feel free to message me…sometimes I’m able to exchange emails. My information is on my contact page.

        Liked by 1 person

      • There is something void when it comes to online communication. I get it. On the one had, it would be awesome to be able to see and hear someone when you speak with them. In some way, it allows us that chance to validate how we feel.
        Of course, maybe that’s not how you see it at all, but that is how I see it.

        Liked by 1 person

      • That’s not too much. I think that is something most of us want. I think a lot of us simply desire someone to accept us as we are.
        And chaos? Yes…that ever present ‘friend’.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I find so much insight on your blog.
        I understand the feelings of wanting to check out, VERY well. I made an attempt on my own life a little over a year ago. I’m not sure what to latch on to, but there are things, I’m sure, that you can find some happiness – even minute happiness.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Thats the thing never been a minute girl. I’m finite. I’m am an oxymoron I’m very pleased you find insight from me. That makes me feel as though I’m of use, because enlightenment is what we search for. That and love. Thank you…

        Liked by 1 person

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